


Mosaic Broken Hearts

by CyclesOfCie



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Close Though, Casual, Court Hearing, Explicit Language, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Trauma, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 10:40:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 37,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24848413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyclesOfCie/pseuds/CyclesOfCie
Summary: Adam is still struggling after years of abuse. Too many things in his life are difficult; The prospect of facing his father in court. The girlfriend who refuses to kiss him. Standing next to Gansey who shines so bright, that he’ll always be in his shadow.What Adam wants is something easy, something casual, which is why Ronan might be the worst choice for him at all, but also, the best.(Sort of Casual AU - very much leaning Canon’s way, though)
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 185
Kudos: 365





	1. The First Kiss //

The first time they kiss, they don’t talk about it afterwards. It feels almost like a dare which means it can be excused away later. Ronan, as always, is being a dick. In fact that might be what sets it off to begin with.

They are at Monmouth in the central living area. It’s a hot day, the air is so humid that it's hard to breathe even though the windows are wide open. Ronan is leaning lazily against the wall, a half-drunk beer on the table next to him, fidgeting with the leather bands on his wrist. He still hasn’t changed out of his school uniform, but the tie is undone, hanging loosely around his neck and the sleeves of his shirt are pulled up. He has that smug look on his face that Adam hates, because it’s the last thing he needs at that very moment. “What the fuck I’m I supposed to say to that, Parrish?”

“I’m asking you for advice.”

Ronan hesitates, he takes another swig of the beer, then puts it back. “Well ... You’re practically begging for her to kiss you, acting like a desperate virginy wreck. You’re probably freaking her out to be honest.”

“How is that advice and not just insults?” Adam says through gritted teeth. He isn’t sure why he’s even telling Ronan about his problems with Blue to begin with. He can’t tell Gansey, because this is something that would never happen to him and Adam is afraid that he’d be far too pitying in his approach. Noah - the alternative option - hasn’t been around for the past few days and that leaves Ronan.

Adam still isn’t sure where he stands with Ronan. For a time he thought Ronan felt superior to him like the rest of the assholes at Aglionby, but it’s been awhile since he truly believed that. Despite the stupid comments he makes, it’s obvious that Ronan couldn’t care less about the secondhand uniform or the Henrietta accent that sometimes slips off Adam’s tongue when he’s not being careful enough. Ronan might be rude and obnoxious, but that’s just the language he speaks.

For a time Adam thinks they are just two people who mostly tolerate and hang out with each other for the sake of their friends. He thinks; that’s it. He’s figured Ronan out. Then one day Gansey mentions that he’s the first friend he’s had in a long time, that Ronan hasn’t succeeded in scaring away. “He likes you. It’s unheard of.”

Adam turns the words over and over in his head. He still doesn’t get it. Ronan is mostly made of snarky remarks, a cruel tongue, a glaring look. From a distance you could look at him and say that’s it. That’s all there is to him. It’s a truth that’s easy to believe and Adam wants to believe it, but it's getting harder.

Little things starts to happen. Adam notices the lingering looks. The electricity of hands almost, but not quite, touching. He lets it slip that he finds his tattoo really fascinating and Ronan tells him to fuck off. Two days later Adam finds him asleep on the couch, shirtless, the dark beaks and claws fully on display. Adam watches. He wants to run his fingers down the inked skin, to follow the lines, to press his lips to it.

It terrifies him.

Something is building and Adam wants to break it down, before it gets the chance to break him first.

In walks Blue. Beautiful and feisty Blue. For a while his mind is clouded by her. She is a nice distraction and he can tell Ronan hates it. They flirt in the parking lot at Ninos and Adam feels alive when he walks home. He can’t believe that he gets to have this, and maybe he shouldn’t believe it, because it shouldn’t be this hard to get someone to kiss you. Something is wrong and she won’t tell him what, which leaves asking his friends, which again leaves asking Ronan, which might just have been the worst idea he’s ever had.

“Why do you even want to kiss her so bad?” Ronan says, interrupting his thoughts. “She’s weird looking.”

Adam frowns. “She’s not. You’re weird acting.”

“I didn’t realise you were considering kissing me too, Parrish.”

“Fuck off.” He feels himself blush like an idiot. “Can’t you just - give me some actuel advice.”

“Are you really sure you want my advice?”

Adam doesn’t answer. The truth is no. He’s not sure. But they’re already talking about it and Adam isn’t one to change his mind once it’s set on something anyway.

“We've come close to kissing, really close,” Adam explains, ”but every time she pulls away at the last minute - like the idea of it is just ... “

"Revolting."

“Thanks, Lynch.”

“If you wanted someone to lie to you, you should have gone with Gansey.”

“I don’t. I just - I don’t know what to do.”

“Dump her. You’re all getting your panties in a bunch over her and it’s fucking boring to look at.” Ronan raises the beer to his lips again and drinks. He’s trying to act like he’s not interested in the discussion at all, but Adam doesn’t buy it. “Sometimes you want things and you can’t have them. You should learn to be a fucking adult about it.”

“I shouldn’t have asked you.”

“No. You shouldn’t have.”

Adam takes a deep breath. He feels desperate. He can’t stand it when he doesn’t know something, and this is the worst kind of not knowing, because it’s something you should just know instinctively without having to ask. He clears his throat. “Is there maybe ... something about me that would be … off-putting in that type of situation."

The silence that follows leaves time for Adam to ponder over how pathetic he must sound. If Ronan tells anyone he asked this, he will definitely deny it. It’s too embarrassing.

“Is this you trying to flirt for validation? Because please kiss me so I know if my girlfriend thinks I’m disgusting is not a good line, Parrish. “

“Just answer the question.”

“Talk to Gansey about all this girl shit.” Ronan looks down, avoiding Adam’s gaze. “I’m not playing this game with you.”

“I never said I wanted you to do it.” Adam feels a short rush of control from seeing Ronan’s reaction and how bothered he looks. It’s rare, so he holds onto it. There’s a part of him that likes to see Ronan nervous and vulnerable. To turn the tables. “I didn’t know I scared you this much."

“Maybe I’m just revolted by the idea like your girlfriend,” Ronan fires back.

And this is where Adam is an oblivious idiot, because he didn’t expect the gun to be turned back on him so quickly. Instead he’s startled, lost for words. He knows better. Ronan always has to cross the line right when Adam doesn’t expect it, because in the end Ronan doesn’t really give a fuck about anyone but himself.

Adam doesn’t say anything. He just walks out, not looking back, slamming the door hard. He doesn’t know what he’ll say if he stays. They are both too unpredictable to stay in that type of charged situation for too long.

Breathe, he tells himself. Just get home. He pulls his bike out from the back of Ronan’s car, careful not to scratch it, because he doesn’t want to owe anything to anyone, doesn’t want to give Ronan the satisfaction of yelling at him for being careless.

He hears the door open, then a second later, his name. He doesn’t look up as he sits the bike back on the ground, ready to just get on it and away.

“Don’t be a baby, I was only joking. Put your shitty bike back, I’ll drive you home, if that’s what you want or you can go back inside and I can stay in my room until Gansey gets here.”

“You really enjoy being a condescending asshole, don’t you?”

“You can’t ask me shit like you did before.”

“Why?”

Ronan gives him that look like you know why and Adam is ready to just get on the bike and get away, but then Ronan does something, that catches him more off guard than if he had punched him.

He steps forward. He exhales and Adam feels it tingle on his lips, light and new. Then, like its nothing, like it's easy, Ronan kisses him. It’s slow. It’s soft. When it’s over, it’s too soon, only ten seconds, maybe five. It's hard to tell, because time doesn’t seem to exist in a measurable way right then.

“See? I’m not afraid,” Ronan says. He looks it though.

"Guess not … Revolted?

Ronan doesn’t say anything. Adam has always been so aware of details, little shifts and what they mean. It’s been a way of surviving. He knows that Ronan sees what he’s doing. He sees that Adam wants to make it about the talk in the kitchen, not about the thing they don’t talk about, the thing that’s been building.

“You tell me, Parrish.”

What Adam doesn’t tell him is this; He wants to kiss him again. He wants to kiss him harder. He wants to remove the loose tie from his neck and continue from there, wherever it takes him.

He doesn’t even really get to consider it though, because then Gansey is backing into the driveaway and Adam is back to thinking that he has a girlfriend and a brain that knows better than kissing Ronan fucking Lynch when he has a girlfriend.


	2. Paranoia //

In the following week Adam doesn’t press to see Blue, and Blue doesn’t press to see him. He doesn’t know what upsets him the most; the prospect of losing her or having to navigate the impossible situation he’s now made for himself.

They do still see each other though. They hang out in group settings, sometimes they even hold hands, like everything is fine, which it is not, because he is very aware of Ronan glaring at them harder than usual.

Then one day, out of nowhere, Noah turns to him and says: “You’re not always very nice.” Adam has a shift to get to, so he doesn’t have time to interrogate him on what he means and it’s hard to get anything else out of him, but Adam just knows that Noah _knows._ While biking to work he feels angry - mostly at himself - and stupid. When he gets off, he sees a text from Blue asking if they can talk tomorrow. All the way home he feels sick knowing that something is not right.

“You got a minute? Outside?” Adam suggests to Ronan doing a middle period the following day. Gansey is occupied charming their English Teacher with an anecdote while they are waiting behind. Ronan just shrugs and follows him outside like he couldn’t care less anyway.

“You look extra shitty today.”

“I haven’t slept,” Adam admits. “I think Blue is going to break up with me.”

Ronan doesn’t say anything to that. His expression stays the same. He leans up against the stonewall, one foot haphazardly over the other, arms folded over his chest.

“You didn’t tell anyone about that day in the driveway, did you?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“You ran off and you haven’t looked at me for a week. It was pretty clear that I was meant to shut my mouth.”

“Noah just said something to me the other day, and it gave me an inkling that he might know something he shouldn’t … do you think maybe when you were drunk, you could’ve -”

“No,” Ronan interrupts. He sounds firm. Like they are ridiculous for even discussing it. “No one is interested in your tame love life anyway, Parrish.”

“Maybe.” Adam tries to read Ronan’s expression, but it’s too guarded, too put on, which is a sure way of knowing he’s hiding what he’s really feeling, which should be no surprise at all.  He’s too skilled at that for his own good. 

“Can we go back? Or are you going to tell me more paranoid shit?”

“I’m sorry, if -”

“Cut the bullshit, Parrish. You’re not.”

Ronan leaves. He doesn’t look back over his shoulder to see if Adam is following him. Adam looks up at the graying sky thick with clouds. He somehow manages to feel worse than he did before they spoke.


	3. The Break Up //

When Adam gets there Blue is sitting outside her house in a patterned violet smock dress that somehow looks too simple for her. Her hair is messed up by the wind and he wonders how long she’s been sitting there. Somehow she still manages to look pretty, which doesn’t help anything.

All the way over there, he had prepared different speeches, but all the things he wanted to say now seems frivolous or even outright petty. She looks nervous as she keeps turning over her hands, like she expects there’s an answer hidden in her palms. It takes her awhile to look up at him and hold his gaze, but when she does, it looks painful. He already knows what she’s going to say.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore. I like you, Adam, but it’s just not right.”

He had promised himself that he wouldn’t act out any of his feelings. He would simply tuck it all away and drive home and then punch things and cry and get it out away from her. He knows that she hates how volatile he can be, not because she is afraid of him, more because she doesn’t think it should be her job to deal with it. She doesn’t have time for his anger and some days that’s all that keeps him going. She’s never had to understand that and she doesn’t want to.

He does get angry, though, in front of her. He can’t help it. She starts talking about soulmates and curses and how he isn’t the one, like you are meant to know who _the one_ is at their age or even believe in a fucked up concept like that.

“Who is the one then?” he asks her angrily. She weren’t say and she doesn’t have to.


	4. Delicate //

The second time they kiss, they fight first. This time there’s no way of twisting the truth of why it happens. It’s not really clear what either or them wants from it though, because Ronan is the last person in the world who’d ask outright about someone else's feelings like a normal person and maybe Adam is tired of feeling anything at all.

The weeks following the break up is hard. A part of Adam hopes that he can avoid Blue forever but he knows it’s not going to happen. She’s already merged herself deep enough into the group, that Adam can’t just stop going to Nino’s and never see her again.

Instead Adam spends his time studying and taking up extra shifts. He avoids the group, acts distant and Gansey of course worries about him, which only makes it worse. Everything and everyone annoys him. Sometimes he thinks about Ronan but he doesn’t let himself linger in those thoughts. Whenever his mind approaches it, he stirs it away.

_He doesn’t deserve it and he doesn’t have time for it and he doesn’t want it._

Something weird starts happening though. Ronan begins to show up late in the evening at St. Agnes, asking if he can stay there. Adam let’s him. He doesn’t ask too many questions. He knows Ronan has trouble sleeping and that there are many things he doesn’t talk about, but he acts less hateful now that Adam is no longer with Blue, so they get on better.

Nothing happens. Not even when Ronan starts falling asleep on his floor like it’s the most comfortable place in existence. Sometimes he picks Adam up from work, always without asking, because Adam would’ve said no. They drive and Adam watch the street lights illuminate his face, thinking how violently beautiful he is, all harden edges, soft eyes. He still thinks about Blue. Or more precisely, he thinks about Blue with Gansey.

“Blue and Gansey are together now, right?” he asks Ronan.

It’s late in the evening and they are once again at St. Agnes. Adam sits at his desk, studying, while Ronan is on the bed, throwing a soft spiky ball, most likely taken from his dreams, up against the wall. Although he isn’t looking, he can hear Ronan failing to catch the ball. It lands on the floor. There’s a short pause.

“Who cares who’s not kissing her now?”

“That’s a yes.”

Ronan sighs. “Do you care?”

“I care that they’re lying to my face every day.”

“They think you can’t handle it.”

 _Crack._ The pencil in Adams’ hand breaks from being pushed down too hard. He didn’t expect Ronan to be so blunt. He flings the pencil against the wall, before he can stop himself, before he can even think. He covers the top of his head in his palms, pulling at his own hair, collecting himself.

“They are idiots.” Ronan doesn’t sound bothered by Adam’s outbreak at all. “You’ve handled a lot fucking worse, you and I both know that. We’re not like them.”

“I’m not some delicate little -”

“Don’t explain that shit, Adam. I know.”

It's only on rare occasion that Ronan says his first name. It feels almost too intimate. Adam glances down at his book again, focusing in on the light scribbles he’s made in the margins, never pushing the pencil too hard, because he has to be able to erase it again, so that he can sell it one day in the future. He runs his finger over the spot where he pressed the pencil too hard. He always slips up, even in little ways, all the time.

“Have you gone back to being boring?”

Adam turns his head to look over at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“If you really have to,” Ronan mumbles. He sounds a little annoyed now.

“Have you ever dated anyone? You’re so weird about the whole dating thing. You never say anyone’s attractive or talk about liking someone.”

“Liking someone,” Ronan mocks like the idea of just liking someone as opposed to being madly in love with them is preposterous. “I’m not a fourteen-year-old girl.”

“I’m only asking, because… I can’t really figure out if it’s because your too private or because there really never has been anyone.”

“I don’t really do casual.”

“Or girls?”

“How very observant of you, Parrish.”

“You kissed me, though. If you don’t do casual then -”

“Your a pain in the ass, man. I thought you were hell bent on taking that to the grave.”

“When have I ever said that?”

“Please, Parrish. You ignored me for a week after it happened. Then you were fucking dying over the idea that I told Noah.”

“I didn’t want Blue to worry over a peck in the driveway that came out of a joke.”

Ronan looks hurt. He tries to hide it, but Adam’s been around him so much, that he knows these signs by now and maybe he shouldn’t have brought up the kiss so nonchalantly. He is pretty certain that Ronan is interested in him - more or less - but Ronan is also interested in drinking, racing, making the wrong choices. This is why Adam never understood the rumours going around, always homophobic and mocking in nature that Ronan and Ganseys’ odd symbionce was somehow more than just a friendship. They can’t have understood that Ronan wants whatever he thinks will make life harder for him. Sometimes Adam gets the feeling that he himself is nothing but a new layer to Ronan’s destructive behaviour, a new blade he has decided to cut himself with and he thinks fine, I’ll sharpen myself then, I’ll hurt you harder, if that’s what you want, if that's what you think I am.

“So tell me,” Adam says sitting up straighter. “Where’s the coalition between kissing me out of nowhere and claiming you never do casual?”

“You’re too interested in me Parrish,” Ronan retorts mockingly. “Borderline fucking obsessed.”

“I’m observant. Like you said.”

“How fucking observant of you to notice that I don’t want to talk about this shit.“

“So you just -”

“Are you deaf, I said leave it the fuck alone.” Ronan gets a dark look in his eyes, his knuckles are clutching the ball. He throws it aside before he gets up from the mattress. “I’m over this. I’m sick of hearing you whine over your wrecked relationship that never got you further than a fucking first grader anyway.”

“That's mature, Lynch. I don’t even know why you’re even here to begin with.”

Ronan slams the door and Adam feels it to his bones. It’s so typical Ronan to just leave like this and Adam wants to be able to say, fine, leave. Who cares. He gets up from his chair and walks over to the window. It’s raining and it’s dark. The car is still there. He expects to see Ronan rush over to it any minute in rage, see the car lights lit up the dark road and then speed off. It doesn’t happen. He tries to force himself to sit down again and read. He’s used to studying even when he’s angry or hungry or almost falling asleep, but he can’t take himself away from the window, can’t force himself not to look for Ronan while watching the pearls of rain sliding down the window glass. You don’t care, he tells himself, but he doesn’t believe it.

There’s a soft knock at the door.

When he opens it Ronan is standing there. His face is wet. The black tank is clinging to his upper body. “You were watching,” he says. “From the window.”

Adam can’t deny that. From the way Ronan is looking at him, it’s like he wants to say something else, but it’s Ronan, for whom words only exists to create a string of poetic insults, not explaining himself. He’s not going to say it. Maybe he’s not even going to do it.

When he can’t take it anymore, Adam finally steps forward and crash their lips together and this time there’s nothing soft about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like the chapter! I've set the number of chapters to 19 just so you have an idea how long it will be, but it might change a little bit - who knows with my impulse brain. ;)


	5. Gone //

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter but the next one is going to be long - promise.

When Adam wakes up, Ronan is gone. He stumbles out of bed and goes to the window. The car is gone too.

He bikes to school thinking about the kiss. He tries to come up with something to say to Ronan once he sees him in class, but in the end it’s a waste of time, because Ronan doesn’t show up.

All day Adam keeps glancing over at the door, expecting him to barge in, but he doesn’t. He recalls the feeling of Ronan’s hands sliding up his stomach, his lips wandering over his body; mouth, neck, chest, claiming it all and studying Adam as if he thought he was something worth memorizing unlike the stack school of books left unread in his room.

A vain part of him feels proud that someone like Ronan could ever want someone like him. He tries to be surprised that he wants Ronan too, but it feels more like being reminded of something he already knew in the back of his mind. He can’t convincingly lie to himself about something that’s so obvious.

He’s attracted to Ronan and that's not the end of the world, but maybe, if he’s not careful, if he doesn’t keep it under control, it will be the beginning of the end of him.

“You’re coming back to Monmouth before your shift, right?” Gansey asks him as they’re walking out at the end of their last class. He looks at him almost pleadingly. “I found this really interesting passage, that i’d love your take on. You’ve been so busy, we’ve hardly seen you lately.”

“Is Ronan home?”

“I don’t know. Ronan always ignores my texts, but he aggressively ignores them, whenever it’s something concerning his well-being.” Gansey lets out a sigh. “Why? You’re not fighting, are you?”

“Not that I know of,” Adam says absently.

“Good. What’s the problem then? You’re coming?”

Adam gives in. It’s easier. He has to face Ronan sometime anyway.

During the car ride Adam barely speaks. He listens and hums in agreement every once in a while as Gansey talks. His heart is beating fast. He feels his pulse at the tips of his fingers. He doesn’t know why he’s this nervous, though. It’s ridiculous.

Ronan’s car isn’t parked in the driveway. Adam had been so sure that it would be, when really he shouldn’t have been. When Ronan is hurt home is the last place he goes. Still ... it wasn't like Adam had done anything wrong. _Had he?_ After all he was not the one gone in the morning. And yet - had it been careless? To just kiss him when he wasn't really sure what he wanted out of it?

“Ronan Lynch is going to be the death of me,” Gansey says, clutching the steering wheel.

Adam silently agrees.


	6. A Mess //

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for homophobic language and a sex scene.

There are many ways of surviving. Adam suspects he knows about most of them.

One is letting anger be the thing that keeps you going. It’s effective but it can get ugly. It’s a place Adam usually goes without meaning to. He knows that outbursts of blind rage are not for well-functioning normal people, so they shouldn’t be for him either and yet he's not sure that he will ever be free of it. That he will ever not need it.

The second tactic is watching what other people do and then copying it down to the detail. What they wear, how they speak, the way they carry themselves. Adam doesn’t thrust his own taste. He wasn’t born knowing these things, so copying is a kind of camouflage. He observes the people he wish he could be. Even Gansey. If he had more time, more money, he would practice this skill until he could perfect it. One day, he tells himself whenever he sees a man in a suit walking like he owns the world. One day he will learn those exact steps.

The last tactic is the one he needs at that very moment, late into the day, working at Boyd’s. It’s for when there’s nothing left to pull from, you’re tired, you're hazy, you're hit with that hopeless venomous feeling, that everything that’s wrong is endlessly tied to you; not just because you’ve done something, but because of what you are. The only thing for him to do then is to numb himself. To do one thing and then the next, clean up the oil spills, take tools from the wall, crawl underneath the cars, a body, no mind, moving from task to task, breathing and waiting for the worst to pass.

Adam takes a deep breath. He cleans up after himself and changes out of the uniform, carrying it as a bundle in his hands.

“I’m done for the day, ” he says standing in the door to Boyd’s office. Boyd is sitting at his desk, filling out some papers, dirt underneath his fingernails. “I was wondering if you have any extra shifts for me to take next month?”

“I’ll look into it. Let you know.”

“Good. Thanks sir.”

“Listen,” Boyd pulls out his chair so that he can look at him without turning his neck. His hands are folded in his lap. “Robert Parrish was here yesterday. He tried to convince me to give him your paycheck, said you owed him money, all kinds of crazy. Just something to be aware of - I know you work at a few other places.”

“Yeah.” His mouth feels dry. “Thanks.”

“He let me know you were suing him too, tried to make me feel for him, the bastard. I just thought I should let you know that If you need any witnesses for that trial, I’ve seen the bruises on you and that one time he came in here to scold you - I could -”

“That’s okay, I don’t need anything. Thanks again.” Adam needs to get out. He can’t take the pity. Not today. “I have to head home.”

He walks away with the uniform tightly curled up in his hands, almost panicked, the sedated feeling worn off in an instant, because yet again he's reminded that it's not over. Sometimes he forgets it and then, like this, it comes back full force. He can imagine his father saying _that arrogant little fucker is suing me too, can you believe it_ and he knows that the only chance of it being over, really over, is moving far away from all these rootes keeping him tied to all of this forever.

It’s cold for a summer evening. Adam zips his thin jacket all the way up and then pauses, his hand clutching the zipper. In front of him is the silhouette of a boy leaning against a dark car.

Ronan is wearing his leather jacket and an expensive pair of black jeans. He has a reserved look in his eyes, head slightly bowed. Adam is suddenly very aware that he must reek of oil and swea

The first thing Adam says to him is: “You weren’t at school.”

Ronan raises an eyebrow, a silent _so._

“Gansey was worried.”

“I was just at the Barns. I’m working on this theory I have, but it’s going to take a while. I don't even know if I'm wasting my time on the impossible, but hell, it's still better than wasting it on Aglionby."

"I don't think I'm the best person to vent to about how little education matters." 

"You're still way better than Gansey." 

Adam’s only ever been to the Barns once. All four of them went and he clearly remember how everything was so Ronan, a world where dream things were woven to fit reality like a patchwork; parts real, parts dreamt. 

“You could have stayed till’ the morning if you wanted to,” Adam says. “Last night.”

“I’m aware of that, Parrish. I stay over all the time.”

Adam nods. He puts a hand in his pocket, clutching the inner fabric. All of his nerves are alive, waiting to feel either pain or pleasure, like they are just used to that in the company of Ronan.

He goes to get his bike. It's no struggle to get it in the car, which is weird, because from the outside it always looks like it will barely fit. They are standing so close that Adam can’t resist the urge to grab his jacket, pulling him slightly closer until they’re almost touching, their breaths mingling. “Hey,” he says. It sounds so different from anything else he’s said all day.

Once their driving Adam feels more levelheaded. It’s a realm he’s familiar with. Ronan turns up the volume of the music and Adam rules his eyes at the loud techno although a part of him secretly doesn’t mind it so much.  It’s the kind of music that doesn’t leave room for you to feel anything else. He rests his head against the window. He’s calmer now knowing that Ronan is not out gambling his life for drinking or racing.

“Where are we going?” Adam asks once he realise that they aren’t going in the direction of St. Agnes.

“You’ll see. It’s not dangerous, so no need to look scared. This is not me fucking kidnapping you.”

“Haven’t you noticed what a mess I am? I just got of my shift.” Adam gestures down himself and at the curled up uniform in his lap.

Ronan gives him a sideways look, then redirects his eyes back to the road.  “You look good,” he mumbles under his breath, low enough that Adam isn’t sure if it was meant to have been drowned out by the music.

Ronan pulls in at a supermarket. Adam can’t remember ever being at this particular one - he usually goes to the cheapest chains nearby. The parking lot is empty except for one car that has an abandonen look about it. There’s a bike parked up against a tree too, but it doesn't look like anyone is near it. They get out of the car and Adam follows along.

The sky is dark, no stars, but the streetlights along the road gives Ronan’s pale face a yellowish otherworldly tone, like none of this is real. He doesn’t ask Ronan what the point of going there is. Instead he observes him as he pulls out a shopping cart and gestures for him to jump in.

“You’re mad,” Adam says.

“I’ll only get mad if you don’t go along with it. Live a little, Parrish.”

For some odd reason, Adam goes along with it. He climbs into the cart. Only a second later Ronan starts running, pushing it along, he speeds up and then he jumps in too - the adrenaline is racing through Adams blood, he leans back, feeling Ronan’s knees - and then they are tumbling over, laughing, hearts racing as they roll onto the asphalt and Adam is almost elated, such a contrast to the misery he’s felt all day.

When they get up, Adam notices there’s a rip in Ronan’s jeans, which hits him with a small pang of resentment as he thinks about how much they must have cost and how little Ronan will care about it - and maybe it’s a way of protecting himself, a way of reminding himself why none of this really matters to him - but then he sees Ronan smiling, so wide and bright and unguarded, a new smile that Adam hadn’t seen before and there’s no way of shielding himself from it, no way of not feeling his stomach drop like _oh. There you are._ Ronan extends his hand and he takes it, letting himself be pulled up from the asphalt. He holds onto Adam's hand, lingering in the touch, looking down at their hands as if he thinks he’s watching the impossible come to life. Adam’s eyes pause at his lips, then he darts them back up to his eyes. He wants to kiss him, badly, and yet he doesn’t.

They are clearly alone but he’s still thinking about security cameras, vandalism, owned property. It’s one thing if his face is caught on the camera. That would be bad enough. It’s another if he’s caught kissing a boy too.

He tries not to think about what his father would say, if he could see him. The verbal attacks were always so random - one moment it was _you’ve always got your head in those shitty books, wasting your time_ and then it changed to _why are you standing there, you dumb fuck, do you think we pay for your crazy tuition so you can just stand around?_

There was no system to hack; wrong and right were endlessly interchangeable. Sometimes, even now, he still caught himself looking at the world through his father's eyes, trying not to disturb him in little ways that made no sense. He had gotten out of the trailer itself, but that voice still lingered in his mind.

“What are you thinking about?” Ronan asks.

_Fucking fags everywhere these days. Disgusting._

“Nothing.” Adam looks away. He dusts the dirt of his jeans and straightens himself. “Let’s go back to mine.”

“Why?”

_There’s always been something wrong with you, Adam. Always._

“You know why.”

_You’re unnatural, nasty -_

“I don’t. You should tell me why.”

Adam let’s himself look at him only to realise that Ronan is already looking back, but in a different way than he did only a few days ago.  They usual practiced disinterest is gone. 

“Because I want you.”

For a moment Ronan looks speechless. It’s more blunt than Adam himself even expected. 

Ronan tries to put a hand behind his neck, but he pulls away. “Not here,” he whispers.

They are in the car within seconds. Ronan is racing and although Adam tells him to slow down, he doesn’t have the willpower to sound insistent. He almost says: we should probably talk about it first, but he holds it back, because in the end he needs it too much to let it be a misunderstanding.

As soon as the door of the church closes behind them, Adam grabs his face and kisses him. All the way up the stairs they are pulling at each others clothes, trying not to fall or let go.

Once they're inside the apartment Adam pulls at him harder. He yanks his own clothes off, almost expecting Ronan to be a jerk about it, to mock him for his eagerness, but he doesn’t, instead he removes his own tank and moves along in the same pace until neither of them are wearing anything. He lets himself be dragged to the mattress, giving as good as he gets. He turns them over, one knee on both sides of Adam’s stomach, pinning him down, looking down at him with a darkened gaze, pausing it.

“What do you want?” Ronan asks. “Tell me again.”

Normally Adam would want to be difficult. He wouldn’t let Ronan win that easy. Right at that very moment though, it feels like he would do anything, say anything, just to have it.

“You.”

Ronan leans down, letting their lips touch again, gently biting at his bottom lip and Adam grabs him, pulling him closer, so that every part of them is touching. Ronan kisses his neck, even licking it and Adam feels a rush from the sensation of his breath over the wet skin. He lets his own hand travel down between them, watching to see if Ronan will object, but when he doesn’t he closes his fingers around his cock. As he moves his hand, exploring, there’s a rough feeling of the hair at the root, the stickiness from what must be precum. He looks at Ronan’s face more than anything, listens to the sharp draws of his breath. It lasts less than a minute and then his body tenses, muscles tightening and Adam feels him cum in his hand.

“Sorry,” he says. Adam isn’t sure if he’s referring to the fact that he hadn’t warned him or that it was over so quickly, but Adam doesn’t really mind either of those things. A part of him is flattered that he barely had to do anything to take him apart, but he doesn’t like how Ronan is looking at him like he’s waiting for Adam to regret and retreat and run, because he doesn’t want to do any of those things. Instead he leans over to kiss him again.

“Fuck,” Ronan whispers in between kisses, fingers circling his chest. “Can I suck you off?”

Somehow Adam manages to say yes although his voice sounds shaky. He closes his eyes. Just knowing that it will happen is already too much. He feels Ronan leaving soft kisses all the way down and then the warmth and the wetness of Ronan’s mouth closing around him. He lets out a sound that’s never left his lips before, then bites down his teeth to stop himself from making too much noise, still not quite believing that this exists. He opens his eyes to see Ronan looking up at him in awe, circling the head of his cock with his lips and that does it. Adam warns him, but Ronan doesn’t pull back, doesn’t stop. Adam cums so hard that his legs are trembling, his vision blurred. He lets his head fall back and look up at the ceiling, that is nothing but a white space mixed with spots.

There’s a moment, when it’s over, where he suddenly feels different. Ronan’s hand is resting on the bare skin of his ribs but unlike before Adam’s suddenly more aware of how sweaty he is, how bony and unhealthy his body must look and how there’s an ugly scar below his knee from a bad fall he took at the age of seven when he tried to flee from his father. He knows Ronan is looking at him, expecting him to say or do something and it’s too much, too overwhelming, so he gets up and goes to the bathroom.

He closes the door. Turns on the tap of the sink to wash the cum of his hand. Someone else's. He feels terrible somehow. He avoids his own eyes in the mirror. He has always been fueled by hatred, by the urge to fit in. Ronan doesn’t fit into any type of equation or life Adam imagined for himself. It’s not because he thinks he’s better than him. In truth he doesn’t really understand why Ronan wants him at all.

He comes back to find Ronan sitting upright on the mattress. He has put his boxes back on and he looks nervous like whatever happens next could break something. Adam begins to put his clothes back on. He looks over at the fogged up window. It’s a lot. He needs to get out.

“I need some air,” Adam says as he grabs his jacket from the floor. Ronan doesn’t move from his spot on the bed. He looks like he wish he was invisible and Adam feels like in idiot, because he knows someone better than himself would right now be telling Ronan how fucking beautiful he is.  He doesn’t know how to say it though, so what he says is: “You can come with me. If you want."

When he was a child he used to take walks in the middle of the night.  It was like he needed to know that he was not trapped by the walls and ceilings of the small room.  That there was still a way out and that the stars would be there, bright and obvious, waiting.  He was a kid, so he didn’t realise how many bad things could’ve happen to him. He was too focused on the bad things that was already happening inside the house to really be aware of any abstract kind of danger lurking in the dark. 

Ronan doesn’t say anything as they walk down the street and it’s comforting knowing that they don’t have to.  In the darkness, Ronan takes his hand, intertwine their fingers and Adam lets him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a longer chapter! I would love, love, love a quick comment, because there haven't been too many. Thanks for reading.


	7. Distractions //

Sleeping with Ronan Lynch might be the biggest mistake Adam's ever made. Not the act itself - no complains there - but all the things that comes along with it. Adam is pretty used to staying focused in the midst of chaos and misery. He even studies regularly through hunger or sleep deprivation and although it's not easy, he's always managed to work through it. Therefore it comes as a great surprise to him that concentrating with those things is nothing compared to the difficulty of staying focused with a shirtless Ronan on his bed.

The worst of it all is that Ronan doesn’t even have to try that hard. The first couple of nights, he would complain about Adam being a nerd when they could be making out, until he figured out that it was just as effective to just walk around, barely wearing anything, casually touching Adam and reminding him why homework was the last thing he wanted to be doing at that very moment. If he ever confronted him, which Adam quickly learned not to, he would say something along the lines of: “What? I’m just here. I didn’t know I was that irresistible to you, Parrish, calm yourself, will you, I’m not a sex object.”

If only he kept it inside the realm of Adam’s apartment too. It's not that Ronan outright tells anyone or even makes it too obvious, but he does like walking a line a little bit too thin for Adam’s liking.

When they’re out he’ll suddenly brush his foot up against Adam’s leg or graze his thigh for only second. They’ll be talking about something completely different and Ronan will send him a look like _remember?_

And Adam does. He’ll think about it and suddenly it’s the only thing that exists in the world even though they are out in public with their friends. Adam tries to be very adamant that they shouldn’t be doing anything anywhere but the the apartment. Ronan of course rebels against this rule like he does with all other rules, so much so that he even begins turning up to classes.

“Gansey’s always preaching about how I need to find motivation. What better motivation than finding new spots secret spots for us to make out?"

“It’s not going to happen,” Adam vows and of course ends up happening anyway. Adam is still decently pleased that he lasts a full week of Ronan trying to drag him off to more or less sketchy places, without going along. When he does go along his guard is already down from the stress of their latin test and Ronan wearing a new scent that Adam is pretty certain he must have dreamt, because it doesn't quite seem of this world.

“I have a question,” Ronan whispers, leaning in close to Adam’s hearing ear. “We have a middle period left of forty minutes. Gansey is stuck in some boring ass counseling meeting. I have a car with tinted windows out in the parking lot that can be locked.”

"What's the question?”

“The question is.” Even not looking at him, Adam just knows he’s wearing his usual smug smile. “Why I’m I not sucking your cock right now?”

Fifteen minutes later they are in the backseat of Ronan’s car, both sweaty and out of breath, with their trousers pulled down, wiping of cum on tissues. Adam pulls his boxers back up and zips up his trousers. He climbs unto the front seat to use the rearview mirror to check his hair. He tells himself that what they’ve just done is not too scandalous. They are after all in a _locked_ car. Yet he’s still aware that Adam from a few weeks ago would’ve thought he had gone completely mad anyway.

“Welcome to the list of students whose had sex on school ground,” Ronan teases.

“You’ve been on that list a long time?”

“Two minutes, more or less. Mentally a lot longer.”

“How long have you wanted something like this to happen with us?” Adam asks while rebinding his tie, because Ronan in the heat of the moment messed it up.

“You’re such a shit, man. How long have you?”

“In your car? Never. I was coerced into it.”

Ronan laughs. He looks much happier. Even Gansey had noticed. It’s like seeing a glimpse of the old Ronan again, he had told Adam. Maybe that’s why Adam doesn’t feel so bad for not wanting all the couple things. It’s better like this. It’s a nice little break from the real world and Adam likes that he still only really has himself to look out for. For once something he wants doesn’t come with a new set of responsibilities and expectations on top of those who are already wearing him down as it is. It’s not just the sex either. Adam likes falling asleep with him. The sensation of skin against skin that has more to do with comfort than actual sex. It’s a situation where everybody wins.

“What do you think? Do I look like someone who just had sex?”

“No. You look very pretty though.”

“Shut up. Now come here, so that I can fix you.” Adam gestures for him to lean forward, which he obliges. He wipes a drop of sweat of his forehead with his hand and then tightens his tie, putting little details back into place.

“If you make me look too polished, people will really notice, Parrish”

Adam rolls his eyes, then leans in to kiss him one last time before they go back out. Really all in all sleeping with Ronan Lynch - as difficult as he no doubt gets - might also be one of the best things that has happened to him in a long time.


	8. Influences //

“You haven’t forgotten that you’re coming to DC with me this weekend, have you?”

Gansey looks at him expectantly and Adam shakes his head no. It would have been impossible to forget. In fact he’s been dreading it ever since Gansey first mentioned the fundraiser for his mothers campaign, and how it might be a chance for him to mingle with some important people.

Adam hates everything about the idea of it, because it confirms what he already suspects: it’s all about who you know and how much money you have. He can work as hard as his body will let him, and there might still be some rich spoiled kid, who barely cares anyway, that could end up taking his spot. His one and only perk is that he knows Gansey, and the Gansey family seems to know everyone. He would be a fool not to go, so he’s going.

“Is Ronan coming?”

“Does it sound like a Ronan thing?”

It doesn’t but Adam is also pretty sure that he would come, if he really asked him to. Once or twice in the following days Adam almost does ask Ronan to come, but in the end he doesn’t. It sounds too much like asking something else too. He ends up just telling him that he’s going, which doesn’t really get any response at all.

The fundraiser is not his scene. That much is clear even before the guests begins to arrive. He reluctantly borrows a suit from Gansey that doesn’t quite fit him in the same way that it fits Gansey like a second layer of skin. As they circle the party, his palms are so sweaty that he’s afraid the champagne glass will slip out of his fingers. He’s starting to regret even going, feeling like he’s made a grave mistake. The idea that he could ever have thought he would one day be able to walk into room like this and own it is bizarre. As it is right then he can’t even fit into it, let alone hold eye contact with anyone other than Gansey. His body simply isn’t made for this. It’s a matter of biology. He is an imposter, waiting for someone to tap his shoulder and call him out on it. “You don’t have to be nervous,” Gansey whispers to him and it doesn’t help at all. It just confirms that amids his other failures, he’s also failing at hiding his nerves.

For hours it’s _oh Adam, come meet, this and this and this_. He takes the outstretched hands with his own sweaty palm. His tongue feels like a dry swollen thing in his mouth. It sounds that way too. Polite questions are being asked and vague answers given in return. “Don’t be so modest,” Gansey says again and again. “He’s the best in our class.” The old men in their expensive suits looks sceptical and Adam believes it less and less too. He just shakes more hands, nods and agrees.

“I would love to tell the story, but my friend Adam here, does it so much better than me. He’s really the bright one, not me,” Gansey declares as they are surrounded by a group of middle aged men and a couple of girls around their own age, that look to be their daughters. “There’s your chance, just be yourself. I’ll find you later,” Gansey whispers to him before leaving in a hurry like he really needs to be somewhere.

Adam can’t think of a single word to say. It's like he's under a microscope of eyes waiting to eat him alive. He has forgotten what story Gansey was even referring to. Forgotten who the men are, what they do. They are all staring at him, one of them clears his throat, Adam tries to get a word out, any word, preferably an excuse -

“Violet, dear God,” a tall man exclaims. Adam turns his neck to see that a short dark-haired girl just spilled wine down her dress. “She’s always been very clumsy, smart, yes, but -”

“Thanks dad,” the girl interupts. She turns to Adam. “You don’t happen to know where the restroom is, do you?”

“Dear, we’ve been here before, you should know.”

“I’ll show you," he says to her, then adds to the rest of them: "I'm Sorry,” before leaving with her, knowing in that moment it would have been more proper to have said _excuse me_ , but the thing is he feels sorry.

“Saved you there.” Violet sends him a loopsided, kind smile. “I should send you the check for the dry cleaner for that.”

He must look frightened, because she lets out a soft laugh and puts a hand on his shoulder. “I’m joking with you. Don’t worry.”

“Sorry. This is not my scene. Clearly.”

“Most people whose scenes this is are assholes anyway, so … Are you parents republicans too?”

Adam nods although he’s certain his parents have never voted once in their lives.

“My dad makes me promise every time we go to one of these things, that I won’t reveal my scandalous democratic tendencies. My parents are great, but they are proudest of me, when I don’t think for myself.”

He sees what she’s doing. She’s looking for someone who doesn’t fit in at the party either, because she can’t stand those who do. It would probably make him feel less awful if that hadn’t been his main goal to begin with.

“Are your parents here too?”

“Just me.”

“So you came for Gansey - That’s nice of you. These things are so boring.”

“The plan was actually to mingle, but you saw how that worked out.  I’m not really cut out for this,” Adam explaims. “I want to go to university but you know how it is. It’s difficult to get in period and if you need a full scholarship, then -”

He pauses. Needing a scholarship might just be the clearest sign of all that he shouldn’t be there. He’s certain that for all the other young people circulating the yard at that very moment the idea of scholarships are a foreign concept that they’ve only crossed paths with through movies or books depicting tragic thrilling heroes. They know nothing.

“The bathrooms are here, so,” he says when they reach it. He already feels like he’s said to much. “I should get back.”

“Please wait for me. I’ll be quick, then we can go around and I’ll help you with the mingling - I’m not really a fan of all of this, but I know how to play the part like a pro. Only if you want, of course.”

“I’m sorry. I just - don’t you think that would be very boring for you?”

“Well, talking to you right now, is the first time tonight I’m not bored, so no. If you don’t want to, you can just flee once I close this door. That way you don’t even have to reject me to my face.”

He can't help but smile. She’s something.

“What was your name again?”

“Adam Parrish.”

“Adam Parrish,” she repeats. “I like that name. It has a good ring to it.”

Then she closes the door and he hears the lock click. He almost just goes back to the party, too embarrassed by the idea of being directed by a stranger, but he ends up staying put, which is the right decision after all. The rest of the night is less dreadful. He feels less uncomfortable when he doesn’t have to compete with the presence of Gansey, towering over him like a model of the perfect clean-cut American boy. It even turns out that Violets father is an administrative director at Harvard. Adam gets a dinner invitation out of him, although he isn’t sure whether it’s sincere or not, because he throws them out left and right. “If you’re ever in the area, you should join us for dinner. God knows my son William could use some better influences. He isn’t here tonight, mind you.”

By the end of the night Adam is with Violet and Gansey, walking her out to the end of the road where a ride is waiting for her. She kisses both of his cheeks and he’s so taken aback by how lovely she smells that he almost doesn’t notice how she discreetly hands him a curled up napkin, before she turns to kiss Gansey too. She looks back at him. “Told you it with easy to charm these oldings, didn’t I?” 

“That’s what I’ve been telling him all along,” Gansey laughs.  When she’s gone, he says to Adam: “She was nice. Really Nice. She gave you her number, huh?” 

He looks down at the napkin in his hand, but doesn’t unfold it.  It would be too embarrassing if that wasn’t what it was. He waits until he’s alone in the guestroom, on the bed, reading every word slowly over and over.  _You’re less boring that you seem to think you are. __Write me sometime._ Then a phone number scribbled at the end. 

He falls asleep not feeling quite like himself.


	9. Insane //

Gansey drops him off at st. Agnes the day after the fundraiser. Ronan isn’t waiting for him outside the door of his apartment and he doesn’t show up all night. Adam goes to the window to look for his car, but it’s not there. He thinks about the note Violet left him and he knows that he won’t use it. It’s as simple as this: He doesn’t have anything to offer her, so he doesn’t try.

He makes his way to the phone and calls Gansey under the pretence that he can’t find the history book he brought to DC, asking if he might have left it in the car. At the end of the call he asks in a casual tone: “Did Ronan survive us being gone?” which means _is he there_ which really means _is he okay_ and _why is he not here._

“Yeah, he’s still alive. I think Noah looked after him though, at least I asked him to.”

“Good,” Adam mumbles. He doesn't know what to say. Some part of him had expected to feel relieved, because Ronan is fine, clearly. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Adam says and hangs up. He ends up studying all night, exhausting himself, until he falls asleep at his desk.

For the first time in a long time Adam oversleeps and comes to school five minutes late. The only seat left is next to Ronan. Adam tries to catch his eyes, but Ronan just gives him a dim look and goes back to scribbling something on his notebook that most definitely isn’t notes.

All through Latin Adam is all too aware of Ronan’s presence. He wonders when Ronan started having this affect on him and if he's never not had it to some degree. Ronan somehow always finds a way to irk him, annoy him, worry him, amuse him, right when he should in fact be working. His notes for Latin end up being at least half-way hopeless too.

Somehow between classes, Ronan sneaks off in the pretense of going to the toilet. When he doesn’t show up for math class Gansey is outraged in a worn out sort of way. “If he just worked half as hard in class as he works on avoiding it. What I’m I going to do with him?”

Adam secretly wonders if this really is Ronan avoiding him, not school. And it would be impressive, if it wasn’t so damn infuriating, that even the lack of Ronan's presence distracts him just as much.

Adam has a shift later at the factory so he rides along with Gansey to Monmouth like he usually does, the windows down, the air too hot to breathe in comfortably. When they get there Ronan is on the couch with his headphones on. He doesn’t look irritable or bothered but with Ronan it can be hard to tell. It might be a tactic. Gansey, however, looks both.

What follows is the usual discussion. Gansey tries to make Ronan see reason and Ronan nods along, calling him old man and Gansey boy, only once in awhile contradicting him with short sentences drenched in sarcasm. How Gansey can still believe that he will ever change is beyond Adam’s comprehension.

When they’re done, Ronan puts his headphones back on and Gansey is just standing there, sweat glancing on his forehead, looking both tired and older. He turns to Adam. “I’m not being too harsh, I’m I?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re talking to a wall.”

Gansey sighs. He straightens his shoulders and try to regain composure. “I can’t win with him.”

“If you can’t even win a battle, maybe it’s time to give up the war.”

“I can’t do that either,” Gansey exhales. He doesn’t try to explain why and Adam is pretty sure he wouldn’t understand it even if he did. In that respect they are simply too different. Instead Gansey changes the subject. “Anyway - I was talking to Malory last night when we got back - we had this really long conversation, longer than I had intended, because apparently he stumbled across this very unique map from 1407. It’s easier to explain if I show you - he faxed it to me, so I could really grasp the idea of it - now where did I put it? You don’t mind, do you? It would be a big help.”

Adam shrugs. He’s about to join Gansey's hunt for the map when they are interrupted by Ronan’s voice. “Before you get all wrapped up in your nerd shit, I need to show Parrish something in my room.”

Gansey doesn’t appear pleased at all. “Really?”

“Don’t look at me like I’m going to kill your pet, Dick. I know we’re keeping Parrish.”

“I guess that's up to you,” Gansey says, looking at Adam questioningly.

“It’s fine,” Adam assures him.

“Hurry up, though.” Gansey puts a finger to his lip. “Now if I was an ancient map, where would I be?"

Adam is surprised at being pulled aside after barely being spoken to by Ronan since he got back from DC. He wonders how weird this must look to Gansey and he can’t recall Ronan ever pulling him aside like this before. Adam’s already on edge, prepared to be hit with some uncomfortable truth that he doesn’t want to deal with, but then Ronan closes the door to his room, leans in close and looks at Adam in an openly flirtatious way that almost makes him blurt out something stupid like _I thought about you all day._

“Were you avoiding me?” he asks.

“Yeah. That’s why I asked you to my room, dumb-ass.” Ronan is so close that Adam feels his breathing tingle on his lips. “For a genius you can be real fucking oblivious.”

Adam is about to reply with a snide comment, but Ronan cuts him off with a kiss. He's being pushed up against the door so that he can feel the doorhandle press into his back. He doesn't really care though. Ronan is working a hand up under his shirt, feeling his chest while also kissing, or devouring, his neck, sending small shivers down his spine. It’s embarrassing how quickly he gets hard and Ronan clearly notices. He smirks and moves his hands further down, suddenly fidgeting with Adam’s belt.

“Are you insane?”

“What? It’s rude of you to wear a school uniform in my room. It’s a sacred place in here.”

“Do you really want to mess around with Gansey in the next room? When he’s waiting?”

“I don’t think this is going to take too long,” Ronan says while still trying to work his belt. Adam grabs his wrist to stop him.

“I promised Gansey that I would help him.” Adam silently curses himself, Ronan and Gansey in turn. He’s sure he would have given in if it wasn’t for the fact that he is able to hear Gansey moving things around and knows he could interrupt them any minute. Ronan dragging him away to his room in this way is already odd as it is. The only thing working in their favour is that Gansey can be real dense about his friends a lot of the time.

“I can’t believe you’re picking a Welsh king over getting off. You’re too disciplined, Parrish.” Ronan looks at him expectantly, clearly waiting for him to go back, which he would have done, if it wasn’t for the fact that he doesn’t want to get caught coming out of Ronan’s room with a hard-on. He takes a few deep breaths, but the room smells so much like Ronan that it doesn’t help at all. He can see the moment it dawns on Ronan what is happening. He laughs looking far to pleased with himself. “I would say the offer still stands, but I don’t want it that bad.”

“Do you have to talk right now?”

“Why? Is my voice turning you on, Parrish?”

Adam did not answer that. Instead he asks the one thing he had wanted to ask all along. 

“Why didn't you come by last night?” 

“Didn't know you wanted me to. I never received a formal invitation”

“When has that ever stopped you before? Tell me you’re coming over tonight.”

“I don’t know. You’ve gotten very boring since meeting all these important ass people in DC.” 

“No version of me would have let this happen. Could you at least just give me a straight answer?” 

“You know I’m never straight.” Ronan sends him a smile because of course he has to be a prick about this.  “I’ll think about it. Get back to you.” 

“You’re such an asshole when you don’t get what you want.”

“I’m more or less getting what I want seeing you all hot and bothered for me.” Ronan guides him away from the door and puts his hand over the handle. “I’ll go distract Gansey while you take care of your little problem.”

Adam hates him. He absolutely _hates_ him. 

A couple of minutes later Adam leaves the room too.  He sees Ronan on the couch again with his headphones on, clearly not distracting anyone whatsoever, but lucky for them Gansey has found what he was looking for and goes into a long ramble instead of asking questions.  As Gansey rattles on about the map and how it may open up a whole new realm of theories about the ley lines, Adam keeps glancing over at Ronan’s silhouette on the couch.  Gansey seems to pick up on it too. Just not the reason why.

“I can’t believe him either,” he says. “He’s just sitting over there grinning, all happy, after I told him off. I’m never gonna win with that boy.”

There’s no real frustration in his voice and Adam is sure that after everything they’ve been through a smiling Ronan is always one that Gansey will be able to appreciate, whether he wants to admit it or not.

“I wonder if anyone is,” Adam says, looking at him and thinking that whatever games they are both playing, this must be the beginning of them loosing control over it. He doesn’t know what that will mean in terms of winning or losing or whatever you may call it, but he knows that he’s in far too deep to just let the hand go now.


	10. Boyfriend //

In many ways things stay the same for a good while. Adam goes to school, works his shifts, hangs out at Monmouth. He still avoids Blue and Ronan continues to show up at night. The only thing that’s truly changed in Adam’s life is that the nights are now made of soft skin, sweat and warmth. Restless hands allowed everywhere, bodies colliding.

Ronan doesn’t ever ask what they are. He doesn’t ask if he’s over Blue. He takes Adam’s shirt off and kisses his way down his abdomen like a silent act of worship. Adam wraps an arm around him, their legs tangled, Ronan’s forehead pressed to his chest until even the insults starts to sound like declarations made in a foreign language.

Then night becomes day, and people are watching, and Adam acts like nothing has changed at all. The thing between them is still hard to understand. It’s not casual - Adam has to admit that much - because that’s not what Ronan wants, but it’s also not a relationship, because that’s not what Adam wants. He still likes it the way it is. He can focus on what he needs to do in order to get out of Henrietta one day for good, something he will never compromise. Not for Ronan, not for anyone.

It can’t go on like that forever. Adam knows this. You have to watch even the good things, because they never stay the same. The first time someone catches them, Adam feels like he’s been caught red-handed doing something close to the act of stealing or cheating. The scene is this: They are at skt. Agnes, it’s early saturday, Ronan is about to take off, but Adam grabs his arm to steal one last kiss. It’s quick and chaste but still there’s no way of misunderstanding it, the casualness of the act revealing, that the novelty has worn off. They part and that’s when he sees her: Blue standing there with a stack of books in her arms, looking like she just walked in on a world turned upside-down. 

He doesn’t know what the right thing to do is.  He pulls Ronan back inside the apartment, paces back and forth, freaking out, waiting for the moment when she will knock and confront them, but she doesn’t.  Ronan seems thoroughly annoyed and Adam is pissed, because why was she even there to begin with when he clearly doesn’t want to talk to her.

Adam does the only thing he can do.  When Blue clocks in for her twelve-a-clock shift two hours later, he is already sitting in her section, waiting for her with his hands folded on the table.  He really doesn’t want to talk about it. The only thing he needs from her is a promise that she won’t tell Gansey or anyone else for that matter.

He must already look cross, because when she comes over to his table, the first thing she says is: “I’m not doing this here if you’re going to be a baby about it.”

“Tell me why you were there.”

“Gansey asked me to drop off some books for him and I thought maybe we could talk about how you’ve been avoiding me like the plague.” She looks up from the small block of paper she’s holding, meeting his eyes, raising one eyebrow slightly. “I guess you weren’t lying when you said you’ve been busy.”

“You don’t have to be passive aggressive about this.”

“I’m really not. I’m not upset if that’s what you think.” What she doesn't understand is that this hurts him more than if she was upset. He hates that she can just brush this off like it’s nothing, because it once again only confirms that he was always the one who felt more. “This doesn’t have to be a bad conversation.”

Adam roles his eyes, because _yes_ , it is going to be a very unpleasant conversation for him no matter what.

“I mean it.” 

“Are you going to tell Gansey?”

“No. It's not really my thing to tell, is it?”

“Doesn’t it bother you at all?”

She thinks it over for a second.  “I mean - Is it nice to see your ex boyfriend making out with someone else?  Not really, but so what. It’s your life. If this makes you happy, I want that for you.”

Adam pauses. He still feels on uneasy. “Don’t you think it’s weird that I was going out with you and now I’m with a guy?” 

“Do you really think I’d know so much about feminism without once coming across the term bisexual?  People can date more than one gender.  I think you’re making it a worse than it has to be.” She looks at him concerned. ”Have you eaten? You look very pale.”

“Thanks,” he huffs, avoiding her question. 

“No problem, bro,” she says in a mock masculine voice. She looks over her shoulder, before sitting down across from him at the table. “So … How long?”

“I don’t know. A month, maybe more.”

He can see the calculation going on in her mind, but she doesn’t make any comments about how quickly he moved on from her, which is yet another confirmation that he is not wrong about her being with Gansey. She sighs. “Is there a reason why no one knows any of this when you’ve clearly been going out for a while?”

“We’re not going out.”

Blue gives him a pointed look.

“We’re not.”

“Adam, I really want to help you with this, but if I can’t even get you to admit that you have a boyfriend, I don’t think anyone can help you.”

“I don’t need any help. We’re doing fine. We’re really good, actually,” he insists. “If more people knew about it, it would just screw everything up. At Aglionby I’m already the trailer trash, there’s no need to throw gay into that mix too. My parents would freak - not that it matters much, but Gansey -”

“- would be really happy for you.”

“He’d think I’d fuck it up.”

“You’re really doing a great job proving him wrong this way.”

“I’m not hurting Ronan.”

“Nobody likes to be somebody’s dirty secret. That might be hot for a couple of weeks. Not over a month and still going. You need to fix it.”

“Ronan hurts other people too,” he says and almost adds _he likes being hurt_ but stops himself. The first things sounds bad enough on it’s own.

“I need to get back to work. This is too depressing.” She gets up from her seat, straightens her apron and picks up her notepad. “Can I get you anything? A conscious, maybe?”

“Do you have to be so -”

“Yes,” she says, walking away from him, before he gets the chance to finish his sentence or even make an order.  This, all of this, he thinks to himself, is precisely why I don’t want to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and just channeling Blue. The next chapter will be a whole lot darker and also longer.


	11. The Hearing //

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One sentence is taken directly from the books. I'm sure you know which one when you read it. At least I never forgot it.

Blue doesn’t stop causing him irritation, but she does keep her word.  In general Adam avoids being alone with her in the effort of dodging yet another lecture on love and how he’s failing at it.

Still there are moments where he thinks she might be right after all.  Maybe this is him falling for Ronan.  The thought of it hasn’t stopped terrifying him since it first occurred to him that it might be a possibility.  Then comes the letter, that makes him think he might just be falling _period_ and it makes him want to pull away again, to ignore everyone, most of all Ronan. 

He sees that Ronan notices the change in him straight away, but it takes a few days before he’s called out on it.  In this time he gives Ronan little attention and answers him with short, uninterested remarks stripped of all emotion.  He can barely look him in the eyes or touch him, so in retrospect it’s odd that it takes days for Ronan to call him out on it. 

“Are you going to tell me what's up?” Ronan says after the third night of this.  He’s on Adam’s bed while Adam is sitting with his back turned to him, studying. “You’re freaking out about something.”

“I’m trying to read,” Adam bites back.  “It’s not my job to entertain you. I told you I had to study.” 

“I know you have to fucking study - but you’ve become a mute. You're not being yourself.”

“I’m fine - or okay, maybe I’m not fine, because I’m falling behind and not getting what I need done with you being here all the time. I don’t have time to babysit you when there’s a pile of things I should be doing.” 

“Just spit it out if you don’t want me around, you don’t have to be all fucking vague about it.”

“It’s just a lot - you being here every night. It’s not like we’re going out.” 

Adam know this is the wrong thing to say.  There’s a pause where he doesn’t dare to look up at Ronan, doesn’t want to be confronted with the expression on his face, because that might make him take it back, when really what he wants is to be left alone.  The worst part is that Adam intends for it to hurt him.  He wants him to go.

“You’re a bastard,” Ronan says, but he doesn’t say it like he’s getting ready for a fight.  It’s almost said with no emotion, like a fact.  After what feels like forever, but must be less than a minute, Adam hear him getting up and then leaving.  He doesn’t slam the door, but Adam can still feel the rage.  It’s an exit that says _why even bother with you_ and it makes Adam feel worse than he did before.

Turns out being alone is miserable too, but at least he doesn’t have to explain himself to Ronan.  Gansey is more hands on in his approach of getting out of him what’s wrong whenever they cross paths at Aglionby.  “You and Ronan had a fight, didn’t you?  Come on, you know how he can be - whatever he did, just let it go or let me talk to him for you. I can’t take all these sad faces everywhere.”

For days Ronan doesn't try to reach out to him and Adam realises that if anyone should be reaching anywhere it shouldn't be Ronan, but he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to behave normally.  Ronan avoids school and when they are at Nino’s or Monmouth, he avoids Adam’s eyes too.  His words are sharper and aimed everywhere, not just Adam.  Blue gives Adam a pointed look like she think she knows what’s going on.  She doesn’t.

Adam keeps imagining having to face his father and it makes him want to flee, get on a bus and never come back, because in truth he doesn’t know if he will be able to stand not being believed.  For years the abuse had been a secret, something he wanted no one to see, something to hide behind long sleeves and cheap drugstore makeup bought in a panic.  Now people wouldn’t only have to see it, they would be asked to believe it too.  After all those years of excuses and hiding, it felt counterintuitive, like suddenly switching teams in the middle of a match.  He’s not sure whether a guilty verdict will even make him feel better or different in any sort of way.  Maybe it’s all just a waste. Why walk into an arena knowing you can only lose in two different ways.  It’s ridiculous. It’s not worth it.

Underneath the mattress he finds one of Ronan's sweatshirts tucked in.  It feels softer than anything he's ever owned himself.  He puts it on, pulls it up to his nose and takes a deep breath.  He miss him. He really does.

The day prior to the hearing, Adam doesn’t sleep at all.  In the morning he turns on the lights, looks at himself in the mirror and sees the bags under his eyes reflecting a life full of sleepless nights.  He wonders what they will think of him.  Does he look like someone capable of spinning lies out of pure spite in line with the tale his father will no doubt try to spin?  Yeah. He does. He’s not a good person.  He’s not good at hiding it either. 

_I know he can be rough, Adam, but don’t you see it’s a little bit your fault too? You corrected him out there with the neighbors, that’s just humiliating.  Where’s the vodka, boy? Do I really have to beat your ass to find out?  Don’t blame this on us. If you could’ve just done the right things, we could’ve loved you, we wanted to, but don’t you see how everything goes to shit the second you turn up?  You came out rotten. It’s why we’re still stuck here.  Why your father drinks too._

For a long time Adam believed that what happened was fair and a part of him still believes it like a second nature.

He almost doesn’t go down to the courthouse. 

He’s shaking, his head is spinning, thinking it all over, because what if he did miss something, what if parts of it is just down to him being impossible, maybe it would be better then to just leave it alone.  He is out of there after all, right?  So why bother, why keep torturing himself and them - and for what?  There’s nothing left to gain nor lose. 

In the end he goes. Maybe just as much owing to the fact that he doesn’t know how to stop the wheel from turning now that it’s been set into motion.  So what. His feet are moving.  He’s made his decision. And then he’s there, inside the gray building, sitting next to his assigned lawyer, wearing glasses, soft kind wrinkles around his eyes.  Adam doesn’t look at his father.  He looks down at the table. _I regret the minute I squirted him into you,_ he once overheard him telling his mother like Adam was nothing but the dirtiest parts of himself walking the world, a dark shadow, a thing of evil.  Adam can feel the eyes everywhere crawling on his skin, maggots eating him alive, the main man of the day, the boy asking to be believed.  He looks down at his long hands.  His vision is blurred, but he can do this.  Doing this is not a mistake. 

They are ten minutes into the hearing when Gansey and Ronan comes bursting in through the door, wearing suits, out of breath, disheveled like they just ran a marathon to be here.

There are a few protests at their sudden appearance.  Especially at their insistence to give testimony, but Gansey wins over the judge and they sit down, waiting to be called forward.  Adam suddenly can’t remember why he never told them - yes, he’s embarrassed that they have to see him like this, but more than anything he’s comforted by their presence.  They already know this about you, he tells himself, why try to hide what’s in plain sight?  They’ve seen it. They believe it.  Ronan coming back for him that day changed everything.  He remembers the brutal relief and shame he felt at once, how he thought nothing would ever be right again, when really, he’s never been better since getting out. 

The room has changed. Before he was a peculiar boy sitting alone and now suddenly he has peers and witnesses, wearing expensive suits, Gansey looking like old money, old influence.  It doesn’t change what happened, but it tilts the chances in his favor and Adam doesn’t know how to feel about this.  Everything is already so tangled.  Through most of the trial he tries to zoom out.  He doesn’t want all these voices to echo through his mind in all the sleepless nights to come, and yet it’s impossible not to listen to the lawyers, witnesses, his mother testifying against him, the neighbors and drunks that made their way in and out of the trailer all of Adam's life, claiming that they never noticed anything, that Robert Parrish is a good man who will always extend a hand to those who need it and how Adam has always been resentful, ungrateful, wrong. 

Seeing Ronan take the stand might be the strangest thing of all.  He doesn’t quite fit in on the right side of the law, but he looks good in a suit, although not quite at home like in his leatherjacket.  The way he speaks sounds more proper than usual, less curse words, although they still sneak in every once in a while.  Adam is sure that even in the rush of getting there, Gansey had instructed him to not curse in court. 

It’s the standard questions first.  Ronan explains how he dropped Adam off at home and then how he came back, because something didn’t feel right.  How he saw the eerie shadows on the walls through the window before going in, then Adam on the floor, barely there, bleeding, blurry-eyed.  How they had been afraid that something like this might happen sooner of later.

“Could you elaborate on that last bit,” the defence asks.  ”You talk is if it was widely known that Robert Parrish was physically abusive, which contradicts the previous statements made by neighbors and family friends saying that they’ve never noticed anything out of the ordinary.  That Adam Parrish was in fact the one who was often angry towards his parents. Did you ever get the impression Adam was resentful when it came to his father?”

“If I beat the shit out of you for seventeen years would you be resentful?”

Gansey makes a choked up sound.  It’s written all over his face that he’s praying Ronan will not lose his composure.

“In regards to the question -” Ronan glances over at Gansey as if to say _see, I’m proper._ “- We all knew. I think even some of the teaches knew, maybe even the people he works with.  How could we not? He came to school beat up every other day, trying to cover it up with far fetched excuses, that made no sense.  You could believe, yeah he probably just walks into the kitchen cabinets twice a week, all the time, if that’s what you really wanted to believe, because Adam doesn’t look like a victim, he’s made sure of that, works himself half to dead, so that he doesn’t have to depend on anyone, he’s stubborn, want to take care of it all himself.  He never wanted this court hearing to take place.  Thought that if he could survive, get out on his own, that would be good enough, but then the bastard over there lost it, maybe he would have killed him, if I hadn’t been there, the look in his eyes - he really didn’t give a fuck at that point - didn’t care.  Seeing Adam there on the floor - I was pissed at myself for not dragging him out of there before it came to that.  We all knew. Everyone knew. And someone should pay for it.” Ronan pauses, he looks pale, like he can't stand reliving that night again.  Adam never thought about how it must have affected him it in the midst of everything else happening that night. “I’m I done now?” 

“I have a few more questions. Do you agree with Robert Parrish's statement that you walked into their home uninvited in a very threateningly manner?” 

“He was in the midst of beating his son to death, so no, I wasn’t all fucking polite if that’s what you’re asking.” Ronan sighs, then collects himself again.  “I can agree with that. But I don’t agree with him claiming that I just walked into an argument.  Adam was already on the floor at that point. He lost hearing on his one ear, doesn’t that tell you something?” 

“As Robert Parrish explained earlier that injury occurred in self-defense.  He never pushed his son with the intention of causing him harm. He did it to protect himself from being attacked by the both of you.” 

“All that is bullshit. Adam had fallen before I even walked in.  After I got there … he was okay.  Or, fuck, he was not okay, but no one got the chance to hurt him again. I made sure of that.”

There are a few more questions and then Ronan is done.  He looks worn out and when he leaves the stand, Gansey place his arm over his shoulder as an act of support.  It had never occured to Adam that Ronan was this affected by what happened that night.  Not to this degree. Ronan is used to seeing people fighting, used to fists and blood and fury.  It can’t be that different, can it?

Gansey takes the stand shortly after as well to back up statements about the signs of abuse they had witnessed beforehand.  He’s a model witness. Easy to like, easy to believe in. 

By the end of the day when his father is convicted, Adam still feels like it’s happening outside of his body, to someone who isn’t him.  He can't fully connect any of it to himself.

“You okay?” Ronan asks. Adam nods.  He’s something. He doesn’t know if that thing is okay.

“You did great,” Gansey assures him.  He has his hands in his pockets and he looks apprehensive like he doesn’t really know what to say.  Adam is afraid that he’ll be asked to reason why he hadn’t told them about the hearing before, but for now they seem to have decided to leave it alone.  “You should be proud of yourself. We’re proud of you.” 

Adam nods again. As always Gansey manages to sound more like a father, than his biological one ever did.

Gansey offers to drive him or drive along with them.  He’s in that state where he wants to do something, anything to make sure that his friends are okay, but in the end Adam just wants calm and silence and Ronan.  So he gets in Ronan’s car. Only a few words are exchanged on the way.  Adam runs his middle finger down Ronan’s wrist and watch him, the slight changes in his face, how Adam can unravel him with just a finger against his skin.  The words going over in Adam’s mind are not vicious as he had expected.  Instead what he hears over and over is this: _Fuck,_ _he was not okay, but no one got the chance to hurt him again._ _ I made sure of that._

When they get out of the car in front of St. Agnes, Adam wraps his arms around Ronan, holding him tight, cupping the back of his head with his hand, not saying a word, feeling Ronan's hands gripping back, just staying there, on the sidewalk, for a long time, because this is what he has, this is what he is free to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be my favorite chapter, but dammit if it wasn’t hard to write. Particular trying to write Ronan Lynch witnessing and just the subtext of him not being able to talk like he usually does and also having to be direct and explain something in detail that is so emotional, while also being hurt and angry and in a way traumatised by the event. It was difficult, but I still hope I got it somewhat right. 
> 
> I always wanted to know more about the trial in the books, so I really loved writing this, although what an emotional chapter. I love your comments and just seeing that people are engaging with this work, because I’m really enjoying writing it. If you want to make my day a little better, just spend a minute or two to write a comment. It really means a lot. Thanks.
> 
> In the future updates will be around every 2-3 days, I just needed a little more time to plan it out.


	12. The Aftermath //

The rest of the day pass like this; They walk around the block.  Ronan takes him to get food and even lets Adam pay in an effort not to fight.  They eat in the car, listening to the part of Ronan’s music that Adam has deemed least terrible.  A couple of hours later they watch a documentary for class on Adam’s old laptop about the Cold War, not mentioning the day or the week prior to it spent avoiding each other.  When Adam comes back from the bathroom, he stops to take a closer look at Ronan’s suit jacket, that hangs slung across the back of the chair.  He runs his hand over the lavish fabric, admiring it, how each detailed is so cared for. “I liked seeing you in this today.” 

“Of course you did. How cliche of you, Parrish, to be turned on by men in suits.”

“Christ, Lynch. I’m not saying I want you to be Gansey all of the sudden. ”

“You’ve never had a crush on Gansey before?” 

“Why do you think that?”

“Don’t know.” Ronan bites his bottom lip, then shrugs.  “The way you look at him sometimes. It wouldn’t be too far fetched.” 

Adam’s cheeks warm because it’s not wrong.  He does look at Gansey a lot, but he had never thought it would be noticeable to anyone else.  And maybe yes, wanting to be like someone so badly, to emanate what they emanate, is essentially a sort of obsession too, easy to mistake for a crush. 

“I’m not that attracted to Gansey, to be honest.  He’s too polished. Doesn’t wear enough black for my taste.” 

“I thought you liked that." 

Adam continues to touch the fabric, avoiding Ronan’s eyes.  It’s hard to explain. He isn’t even sure if he understands it fully himself.  “I guess it’s a double-edged sword - I want those things, but … I’m disgusted by them too. The way people are believed based on what they wear and who they’re with.”

“You’re talking about today,” Ronan states, seeing right through him.  “Your angry about that. Us showing up so you couldn’t face it on your own.”

“No. _No_. I’m glad you came.” Adam sits down on the bed and Ronan follows, placing a hand on Adam’s knee, waiting for Adam to continue.  “I don’t think I had even expected a guilty verdict or known what to expect, but the second Gansey stepped into the room and sat down on my side, it tilted the scale.  And I hate that, the way money changes everything.  I know that’s the way of the world and I’m playing that game too, but that doesn’t mean I like it.” Adam can feel the slow start of brewing anger just thinking about all of this. His hands wants to clench into fists, but he tries to focus on something else.  To not go there. He is not his father.  He will never be him. Instead he forces them to open, to soften and then places one on top of Ronan’s.  “I don’t really want to talk about it. Sorry.”

There’s a silence, but it's not uncomfortable. After a moment, a smile breaks out on Ronan’s face.  “So, you have the hots for me in a suit, huh? What else I’m I hot in?”

“Really Lynch?" 

“Fine.” Ronan lifts his hand, taking Adam’s with it in turn and guides it to his mouth.  He kisses the knuckles on Adam's fingers and Adam closes his eyes.  He's more used to this now, lips against skin, the sensation known, but still burning and glorious.  Adam opens his eyes again, when Ronan has let go, only to see him already watching him.

“You look exhausted,” he says. “We should get some sleep.” 

Adam nods. He gets up to get ready for bed.  Brushes his teeth by the sink and wash his face with water.  He feels so different standing there now than he did earlier in the day.  He barely remembers anything concrete, only how easily all the dark thoughts ran through his mind like a familiar alleyway.  He’s safe now. He’s okay. 

When he gets back, Ronan is still sitting on the bed.  In his hands is the sweater, that Adam had found tucked beneath the mattress the day before.  He looks far too pleased with himself.  “Did you wear this? It smells like you.” 

“No,” Adam lies. “It’s been here for over a week. Of course it smells like me.” 

“I guess that makes more sense.  Your body would’ve most likely repelled it, because of all the money I spent on it.” Ronan throws it aside and sits back, his hands folded behind his head. “If you want you can just keep it.” 

“I don’t need your clothes, Lynch,” Adam replies.  He’s sure Ronan will leave it for him anyway and he will probably end up wearing it too.  So many things between them are unsaid and yet understood in a rare sort of way.  Adam’s never had that before.

He gets into bed expecting to fall asleep immediately once his body hits the mattress, but he can’t seem to get himself to let go and relax after all the adrenaline and fear running through his veins all day.  He opens his eyes again to see that Ronan is already looking at him. 

“You’re being creepy,” Adam says in a lowered voice that sounds more tender than annoyed. “Thanks for being there today.”

“Where else would I have been?” 

Adam wish he could take something like that for granted. To believe that it was guarantied thing and that he  didn’t feel so dependent and weak every time someone offered him any act of kindness, even if that kindness was essentially rooted in love. 

“He would've killed me if he knew I was sleeping with you,” Adam whispers, not really knowing why. Who he is goes without saying.  Adam’s not even sure if the statement is true anymore or if his father has been disappointed to the point, where everything Adam does from now on is insignificant.  Adam knows insignificant might be the best case scenario, but he still hates it. Maybe a part of him is trying not to understand it fully in an effort to avoid the truth of it. 

“He almost killed you for just existing,” Ronan says.  “Clearly he’s fucked up in the head. A complete psychopath.” 

“It’s still where I came from.” Adam isn’t sure if Ronan hear the warning in his voice.  If he does, he ignores it. 

“But it didn’t make you. You made yourself.” 

“You’ve gone soft, Lynch. What happened to you?”

He hears it in his mind. _You made me soft._ Of course that’s not what Ronan says.  Instead he nestles himself into the scape of Adam's neck and Adam lets himself be calmed by the warm feeling of Ronan’s body so close to his own.  He doesn’t want anything else.  His head still hurts and he’s overwhelmed with conflicting emotions, because despite winning the case, it was never what he wanted, he never wanted there to be a case to begin with, he wanted to get out on his own, to succeed, be able to look at them and say you had nothing to do with this, what you did, didn’t get to me, and for them to feel guilty or proud or sad or even angry.  He had wanted to prove that he could be more than a mistake to them.

“Sleep,” Ronan whispers in his ear and soon he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will involve actual talk about feelings. *gasp*


	13. Not The Same //

Adam is relieved when Ronan suggests they go to the Barns the next day.  It feels fitting to go to a dream place, when you don’t want to deal with real life - but maybe it’s just a different branch of reality, one Adam by far prefers.  They drive with the windows down, laughing, joking, Adam’s hand out the window, the wind at the tips of his fingers.  Ronan’s phone keeps lighting up as Gansey continues to text suggestions such as _let’s all go to Nino’s_ and _we could go on a road trip!!_ and at last _don’t do stuff without me, guys._ _ :(_

When they get there, they walk around outside, shoulders brushing, sun bright.  Ronan points out places to say this is where I used to hide from Declan, this is where we build a ramp, this is where we practiced fighting and Adam can picture it, how idyllic this place must have been, back before all the dreamt animals went to sleep on the day Ronan’s father was shot out on the field.  Adam doesn't ask where this happened and it's not one of the places Ronan takes him.  The day is for good memories, for new beginnings. 

The scenery with the still-standing cows out on the field looks more like it should belong on a painting, something immortal paused in time in a non-literal way .  You only know that all of it is alive and breathing by noticing the moving clouds and the grasping wind.  The place is a mystery, and Adam wants to know everything.

Neither of them are in a rush to go inside.  Adam’s seen it before, knows what it looks like and it’s such a nice day, not too warm, not too windy.  He chases Ronan across the field, tackling him, one on top of the other, then Ronan flips them around, so he’s the one on top, holding Adam down by the wrists and placing a kiss at the tip of his nose.  Adam lets out a laugh. It’s such a soft thing to do, so un-Ronan-like that he can’t help it. 

Ronan loosens his grip and slide over to lay next to him.  They are both trying to catch their breaths.  Adam looks up at the sky, the blue of it is so overwhelming, that he can’t keep his eyes open for too long.  He feels the sensation of Ronan running a finger over his palm, like he’s reading his fate and then rewriting it entirely.  It’s such a simple gesture, but Adam feels it everywhere.  The phone makes a sound and Ronan lets out a groan. 

“Gansey is still acting like a six-year-old not invited to a party.” 

“Are we spending too much time without him?"

“Maybe. But he’s a big boy, he’ll be okay.” 

Adam turns his head to look at Ronan.  He’s beautiful surrounded by the sharp shades of green, so at home, like he was born belonging to this place.  Adam tries to imagine a child-version of Ronan, but he’s interrupted by an abrupt question that doesn't fit in with the ethereal atmosphere here.

“Why are we still keeping this a secret?” 

Adam is aware that Ronan must have wanted to ask this for a long time and yet he’s so ill-prepared for it, so bewildered by it.  He looks away from Ronan before giving his answer, shielding the bright sky from his eyes with the back of his hand.

“It’s just easier that way.”

“Is it? Hell, I’m very good at keeping secrets. When you are, what I am, you have to be, but I still like to understand why I’m keeping the secrets, I’m keeping.”

“I mean - There’s a whole list of things, to be honest.  We’re still figuring things out, so it’s easier if other people don’t interfere.  And it’s just bad timing overall and I don’t want to lead you on - I’m leaving for university soon and you don’t want to leave this place, when you just got it back.  It’s just the way it is. You don’t see yourself, where I see myself. We belong to two different places.” 

“You don’t know what I want.” 

“I’m I wrong?”

“Yes. You’re way fucking off.” Even without looking, Adam can tell from his breathing that he’s agitated. “I see myself wherever you are.”

Adam doesn’t know what to say to that.  He lets his free hand wander over the grass, pulling at it, stopping it from swaying in the breeze.  All it takes for hell to break loose is one wrong word. 

“With Blue you wanted all of that,” Ronan continues, “even without knowing all that future shit.”

“What happened with her fucked me up a bit, I think. Maybe that’s why I’m more cautious this time.”

“Because she wasn’t really in love with you.” 

“Thanks for pointing that out, Lynch.” 

“What I’m saying is … it’s not the same situation.”

Adam freezes. Chills travels down his spine as he lets the words sinks in.  _She wasn’t in love with you. It’s not the same situation._ This is nothing like what he’s used to.  Ronan is not the type to say this … and yet … he had. 

“Ronan,” is all that comes out of Adam’s mouth.  His throat is tight and he doesn’t know what to say.  In his mind all the right things to say are inexcusably close to all the ones who’ll lead to wreckage and ruin and he doesn’t want that.

“I guess you thought I would’ve been someone else, right? Someone easier.” 

“No. God, I can’t win with you when you say that.” 

“Welcome to my fucking world.  I can’t win with you when you say nothing.” Ronan sighs.  He gets up, brushing the soil off his jeans.  “I need something to drink. I can’t deal with this mess.”

Sorry, Adam wants to say. He wants to grab his wrists, say stay, what are words for, why do we need them.  He thinks about Gansey saying that you can’t win with Ronan.  And Adam wonders if anyone will ever be able to win with him when he's got bagage enough to break any spine - with all his pride and anger and insecurities.

He is the hand you get at a table, only to groan and disregard it instantaneously like all the playguides say you must.  After all, wasn’t that what happened with Blue?  When he was just two unknown cards on a table to her, she was willing to pick it up, but when she saw what he was, when she figured him out, fold.  Done. Out. 

Thinking that he can have what everyone else has sometimes feels like trying to fool fate, but then there are times when he looks at Ronan and he thinks _maybe_.  Maybe if they make the rules themselves, maybe then they’ll have a chance and maybe that’s also why, even though Adam know that Gansey would never outright disapprove or not support them, he still wants to keep it quiet.  Not giving it a name still feels like a way out, a way of protecting himself.  It has nothing to do with not feeling enough.  He knows already that what he feels for Ronan is beyond anything he thought himself capable of. It's more than just attraction too, it's safety, something like a home and maybe that's a part of why he's anxious. Homes hurt, homes break and homes end. It's better not to depend on anyone. To get by alone. 

Adam follows him inside through the front door, but Ronan is nowhere in sight.  There’s an almost empty glass on the kitchen counter with water at the bottom.  Ronan usually avoids beer when he’s with Adam, because he knows he doesn’t like the taste.  They are everywhere, these little _I care about you_ ’s woven silently into mundane things.  _I love you._ That’s essentially what Ronan had said outside and he had said _Ronan_ and _I can’t win with you._

He walks upstairs, floorboards creaking, he peeks into every room on his way, until he sees that one door is left ajar.  Adam opens it slightly more to find Ronan sitting on the bed inside.  It must be his room, because although it’s model after childhood more than early adulthood, it’s still so Ronan. 

Adam walks in and stops in front of him.  He’s relieved that he isn’t asked to leave.  He notices that Ronan is clutching some old model car in his hands, one that must have some kind of meaning attached to it like everything else.  Adam is suddenly hit by the weight of being there: they are walking through the history of a lost world, one that Ronan was shaped by and loves, so he must tread lightly, be extra careful.

“I like this room,” Adam says.  He sits down next to him on the bed and observes the car over his shoulder. “What’s this?”

“Just some old thing.” Ronan’s voice sounds disconnected.  He makes a gesture as if to say _take it if you wan_ t and Adam does. 

He runs his hands over each surface of the car and as the wheel turns slightly, a tune plays.  He roles the wheel around and listen to the song, much slower and softer than he expected, almost like a lullaby.  As he touches the car's front lights, they light up.  The craftsmanship is so complete, so cared for, that he’s sure he could analyze it for hours and still discover new details. 

“It’s extraordinary. Everything here is.” 

“They are just things.” Ronan sounds like he doesn't care, but Adam knows this is not true.  It's an act. A reaction. “Maybe we should just head back before Gansey loses his mind.”

“Ronan, I …”

“Don’t. You can’t say it, because you think you have to. You can be an asshole, but don’t be that asshole.” 

“I would never.” Adam gently reach for his chin and tries to guide his face towards himself, so that he will look at him, but he’s reluctant.  “Please, look at me. Just once.”

A few seconds go by in silence, but then Ronan turns his head and lift his eyes, they are narrowed and careful, but they are watching.  “No one’s ever told me that before.  What you said - ” Adam shifts his hands so they are cupping each of his cheeks - “I’m not as good at this as you. Sometimes you have to wait for me to catch up.”

“Whatever.”

Adam keeps looking at him, thinking that he must feel his hands shivering, must know how unsteady this makes him. 

“It’s there for me too,” Adam says in a lowered voice. “I think about you all the time.” 

“If you're just waiting to go off to university and find someone -" 

"I don't want anyone else. I don’t.” 

"What do you want?" 

“Let me show you,” Adam says softly.  He is like a schoolboy about to go in for his first kiss.  That’s how nervous he is. He leans over and press his lips to Ronan’s, so aware of he significance of it, the weight of it: Their first kiss in Ronan’s childhood home.  Maybe Ronan’s first ever here.  Adam can’t imagine him this close to anyone who isn't him.

It’s never been like this before.  Never been this drawn out and slow, each touch like marvelling, taking each other in.  Adam’s never seen his bare chest in this kind of daylight, visible through such a wide window providing so much light.  Adam is in awe of the way the sun's brightness looks on Ronan’s pale complexion.  He always assumed Ronan was made to fit nights, his skin to reflect moonlight, but he’s not so sure anymore.  Ronan in the light of the sun, everything visible, is something he will never forget.  “Turn around,” Adam whispers and Ronan obliges, letting Adam study his tattoo with his eyes, fingers, lips.  At first glance and from far away, Ronan appears to be a fatal thing if you come too close, sharp edges worn like a warning sign.  Up close the tattoo is black, beaks and knots, but there’s still a tale in the details, revealing debts beyond despair, a gate guarding something else.  This is him letting Adam pass that gate.  Adam rests his head against the warm skin. “How did you end up being one of the best things that ever happened to me?”

“By living a very tragic life, clearly,” Ronan replies and it’s not true.  If getting what he wants has always felt like fighting fate, this is leaning back, following along and for a second, in that calm moment in Ronan’s old bedroom, it doesn’t feel wrong either.  It’s surrendering, following the current and knowing that it’s leading him to where he belongs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it. This is one of the chapters, that I've really been avoiding and putting off, because it felt so significant and I just wanted it to be right and in line with everything in my head. I'm really loving writing this. I actually started writing fan fiction again to get my love for writing back and it's worked so much. Thank you to everyone of you for reading, giving kudos and especially leaving comments, it helps my motivation a lot. <3


	14. The Invitation //

The next few weeks pass in a bliss. Ronan seems to relax more. Adam hears it in his mind all the time. _She wasn’t in love with you. So it’s not the same situation._ The more Adam thinks about it, the more it occurs to him how typical of Ronan it is to maneuver out of actually saying the words in some clever way, but still, it was the first time Adam’s been told that he’s loved in any sort of way. Now every time he looks at Ronan, that’s what he thinks and he still can’t believe it. Mad. 

“You seem really happy,” Blue tells him when they were alone. “Ronan too. It’s cute.”

“You just said _Ronan_ and _cute_.” 

“I know. It’s disturbing.” She hesitates, then says: “I still think you should tell everyone before this blows up in your face.”

_“God,_ Blue,” he sighs and then he lists all the reasons for not telling people, that he keeps telling himself too over and over again. When things are good, why change them. Like she said, they were happy. 

Then, it turns out she might have a point. They are all sitting in a booth at Ninos except for Blue herself, whose is in the midst of scolding an older gentleman for objectifying her two tables over. Gansey glances over at the scene, but he knows better than jumping in to aid her. He had already failed at that twice, turning her anger against himself.

“Adam, do you remember the administrative director for Harvard we met at the fundraiser?  He invited my family for dinner this saturday and he asked for you to come too, specifically,” Gansey tells him.  He looks happy like he’s sharing some grand news.  “You have to come. Harvard’s one of your top choices, isn’t it? I’ll be there too of course.” 

“Getting yourself a sugar daddy, Parrish?” Ronan smirks.

“Saturday is in two days,” Adam says. “I have work.”

It’s not a lie, but his shift is earlier in the day, so technically he would be able to come, but Just the thought of it is draining.  He has no desire to go to some strangers’ home to try to impress them, while standing in the shadow of the enigma that is Richard Gansey.  Adam had already failed at that once and had no plans of repeating it again any time soon. 

“I know it’s short notice, but you need to come.  It’ll be your chance to ask questions, get your foot in the door. You got on with them so well at the Fundraiser."

“Maybe.” Thinking it over Adam suddenly remembers who Gansey is referring to.  “He’s the one with the daughter, right? Violet?”

“Yes, indeed. The one who was all over you.” Gansey lights up like he’s favorite thing in the world is boosting Adam’s confidence or at least believing that's what he's doing.  “What happened with that? She gave you her number, didn’t she?” 

“Nothing happened, I never contacted her.  I’m too busy for a girlfriend who lives in a different state. Not that she’d be interested anyway, once she figured out what background I’m from.”

“I’m not sure you’re right about that. It’s charming.”

“Poverty is charming?” Adam raises an eyebrow, waiting for Gansey to once again stumble his way through his own ignorance. 

“No, please don’t misunderstand me.  I mean, making something of yourself.  That’s what’s charming, because it shows character.  She was very pretty too, if I remember correctly, and nice. You should try to talk to her at dinner.” 

“I'm not sure about that. She’s a little out of my league.” 

“Adam, she gave you her phone number. That’s literally saying _I’m in your league_.” 

"It was just a phone number and who knows if she even put her real number down, it could’ve been a pity thing. It’s not like I have time to date anyway.” 

Noah, who’s remained quiet throwout most of this, suddenly says: “You should think about what you want instead of what you can get. If you don’t like her, be honest about it.” 

“Adam does like her. Those two flirted all night long at the fundraiser, I could barely get him to look at me,” Gansey continues.  Adam hates that he can’t just take the hint and let it go, when clearly he doesn't want to talk about it.  “For a moment that night, I thought you were going to ask her back to your room, but it was a good thing you didn’t.  My mom would not have been pleased and you know, her parents were there too, of course, so that might have been awkward - you probably didn't even think if it, it's just me.  I’m sorry If I’m rambling. ” 

“You are,” Adam affirms him.

“Sounds like you should go for it,” Ronan suddenly says beside him.  Adam is so startled that he just stares at him unblinkingly.  How the hell is he suppose to respond to that?

“Why not? Some Pretty, rich, academic girl. You always go after the book shit you want, so why aren’t you doing it now?” 

Adam continues to stare at him without saying anything.  Gansey looks a little uncomfortable too at the tense atmosphere.  “Anyway. Should I tell my mom that you’re coming?” 

Adam is trying to read Ronan, what he makes off it, but he might as well be reading a story written in invisible ink. 

“I think I have a shift.” 

“That you’ll get covered?” Gansey suggests expectantly.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. He knows he should go.  This is his future. This is what he wants. “I’ll look into it.”


	15. Malicious //

God, he is sick of this. Gansey’s big mouth.  Ronan’s tendency to always expect the worst from him.  His own habit of inadvertently living up to those low expectations and then regretting it.  In this case however, he hadn’t done anything wrong - he hadn’t called Violet or even thought of it, yet it was evident that Ronan was pissed at him. 

When he storms out of Nino’s and into the parking lot at the end of an extremely tense meal, Adam chases after him.  Ronan is about to get into the front seat of the BMW, when Adam reaches him.  He blocks the door, resting his hand against the metal, hot from the sun. 

“Do you mind getting the fuck out of my way?” 

“Please don’t say you’re pissed at me for that.  It was just some random girl who I can barely remember anyway. Gansey is crazy.” 

“Because she’s out of your league."

“He wants me to like her, so that he doesn’t have to feel guilty for secretly dating my ex. Besides - It’s not as if I’m wrong.” 

“Tell me, Parrish, I’m I in your league then?  Or below it? Where am I in this fucked up ranking of existences?” 

“Don’t say it like it’s all in my head.  People from the upper class don’t go for people like me unless it’s some kind of rebellion.” Adam knows this to be true and how could it not be?  He doesn’t even want to discuss it or think about it further.  All of this is making his head ache.  “Can we be done now? Please? I like you, not some stranger I met at a party. I already told you that." 

“I’m I with you as a rebellion then, Parrish?  Against who? Gansey?” Ronan continues.  He’s clearly set on having this fight.

“This is ridiculous.”

“No. Tell me the logic of this fucked up worldview you have, I want to know how I fit into it.” 

“You’re … you. It's different.” Adam curses himself for being so lousy at explaining, because the truth is, yes, sometimes when his mind wanders, he still believes that it might be the case, that Ronan likes his life difficult and Adam is just that.  Deep down he also knows this belief has more to do with his own insecurities than anything Ronan has ever done.

Ronan is squinting his eyes from the sun, definitively not looking at him.  “This perfect DC night with this rich stunning girl crawling up your ass - was it before that night we had in the parking lot?

Adam doesn’t answer. It’s absurd.  He never did anything with the girl, haven't even thought about her for months. 

Ronan restlessly plays with the leather bands on his wrists, seemingly waiting for an answer that isn't given, until he reaches his own conclusion. “So it was after.”

“I never did anything with her. I swear.” 

“You didn’t correct Gansey. Clearly you were flirting with her.” 

“Maybe I was and so what - It honestly wasn’t all that memorable, the night was sort of a nightmare to begin with.  Does this really have to be a fight? I don’t want to argue with you over nothing.” 

“It’s not nothing, Parrish.” 

“I’m telling you it’s nothing. It’s a joke that we’re even discussing it.” 

His face hardens. It's a glimpse of the old ruthless Ronan that used to enrage him.  “You know what? Good luck meeting your future girlfriend’s parents and don’t call me if you need your dick sucked, when you get back.” 

Adam feels his muscles tighten, the anger setting in, because it’s not fair, not fair at all, but he will not win no matter what he says, as long as Ronan is in this state of mind.  He finally moves out of the way, turns on his heels hearing Ronan slam the door to the car and he curses everything, trying to remember what thread even let them here.  Adam looks over his shoulder to see Ronan drive off like a child and he is at a loss.  He wasn’t even the one who brought up the girl.  He certainly wasn’t the one who had tried to egg it on.  They never promised anything and yet apparently he has to feel shitty for something he's not even done.  It’s a nightmare. 

He walks all the long way back to St. Agnes, just getting more and more angry, each thought fueling the fire, until he's finally at the apartment that mercilessly has Ronan's presence all over it; a pizza box with leftover crumbs, headphones on the desk, hoodie on the floor that Adam had taken off him the day prior.  He stands still for a moment, taking it in as if it was a crime scene.  He kicks over the chair and tears the pizza box into pieces He waddles to the bed, throws punches into the mattress, until he has no energy left and then he just lay there, on the bed, sweat glistening on his forehead, his vision still somewhat blurry.

Once he’s calm and levelheaded enough, he thinks up a plan for what to do next.  He waits to see if Ronan shows up for a couple of hours.  When he doesn’t, Adam calls in sick for work.  It’s not something he’s every done before.  He’s usually punctual and reliable to the extreme, but for whatever it’s worth he feels sick.  His stomach is in knots, he’s shaking, can’t eat or even think clearly.  The last time Ronan was this pissed, he avoided him for a week, only giving in once he learned of the hearing.  They can both be too stubborn and Adam is tired of it.  He bikes over to Monmouth, telling himself that he is the one who deserves an apology.  It’s clearly a bad idea, but not just for the reasons he’s already familiar with.  When he gets there, Declan's car is parked in the driveway.

“Adam!” Gansey exclaims. He looks to be on the verge of desperation, but also relieved at Adam’s sudden presence.  Next to him is Declan with his arm around a dark-haired girl dressed up like they’re about to go on a date. “You’ve met Declan, right?”

“Yes.” Adam nods at him politely.  He’s seen Declan around a couple of times, but his best knowledge of him is still from Ronan's recounts of his various failings as both brother and human being. 

“Hallo Adam.” Declan extends his hand and Adam accepts it. “This is my girlfriend - Ashley.”

“No need to memorize it,” Ronan half-shouts from the couch.  Adam hadn’t seen him sitting there as he’s blocked by the figures of Declan and Ashley.  He takes a couple of steps to see that Ronan is sitting there with a beer in his hand and judging from his voice, he’s already half-drunk. 

“Ignore him,” Declan tells her through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, that’s what he’ll be doing to you too in a week or two, once he’s grown tired of your face. The only thing he shifts quicker than his girlfriends are his morals.”

“Enough,” Declan hisses and turns to Ashley who looks baffled.  “I’m sorry my brother is so malicious.  He’s like that with everyone, so don’t take it personally.  Gansey, I’m sorry we can’t stay longer, it was great to see you again. You too, Alan.”

“Adam.”

“Right,” Declan mutters unbothered.  He leads Ashley down the stairs towards the exit.

“I should walk them out,” Gansey says.  When he passes Adam, he whispers in his ear: “Make sure Ronan doesn’t follow. I can’t take another fist fight.”

The air is cold as they are left alone and the atmosphere is already unusually tense, before a single word has been uttered.  Adam suddenly wish he was anywhere else.  This is his least favorite version of Ronan to deal with.  Drunk and cruel, every edge out to cut.  Adam's always been uncomfortable around drunk people and it’s a part of why he doesn’t drink himself, but most of the time he didn't mind so much when Ronan did it, although he still refused to kiss him when his breath reeked too much of alcohol.  It's the mixture between drunk and angry that Adam can't stand, it's still far too familiar.  He remembers coming home, opening the door and instantly knowing, that something was askew and whatever it was, it had already been made his fault.  Maybe that'd be a trial - maybe he'd get to defend himsel and fail at that too - or they would go straight to the punishment, which was sometimes easier. 

“How nice of you to come,” Ronan finally says in a sarcastic tone.  Adam looks up at him. He clears his voice.

"I wanted to check if you were okay." 

"As you can see, I'm splendid." 

“I think you scared that girl Declan was with. Are you sure all of that was necessary?”

“Don’t talk to me about him.” Ronan holds his gaze, his eyes dark, pupils dilated.  “It’s disgusting to me what he does.  He comes in with a new girl under his arm every month and still expects everyone to learn her name and listen to her fucking road trip stories and pasta preferences.  It’s a joke. But I guess in a way I’m her - I’m your her, right?”

“You never told me you weren't happy with things." 

“Why would I? You’re clearly out there flirting, getting Phone numbers, not even fucking telling me. “

“I haven’t called or texted or thought of her at all ... so why should I tell you something that’s nothing?” 

“Must be nothing. You’re meeting her family and shit now.” 

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Adam says.  He’s hit by that old feeling of being cornered, because no matter what he says, Ronan will twist the words - and for what?  He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want to get it.“You know what - even if I had something with this girl or wanted to, so what? Right now you’re pissed at me for not breaking some rules, we never even made.” 

“God, you and your rules, Parrish,” Ronan spits. “Just because I don’t fucking tell you, doesn’t mean you don’t know.” 

“If you don’t want me to date, tell me.  You can just say it with words instead of dirty looks. That’s what being an adult is.”

“What I want is for you to do whatever the fuck it is you want.  And while you do that, I’m going to do whatever the fuck it is I want,” Ronan leans forward, lips curled up in a vicious sneer. “If what you want though is to flirt with rich girls for validation and then come back to fuck me for more validation, that’s not really working for me.”

“Keep it down, would you? Gansey could barge in any second.” 

“You care so much about what other people think. ”

“I care about you too, but not when you’re like this.” 

“You don’t give a fuck about me. Like this is literally who I am.”

Fucking, hell. Adam can’t. He just can’t. 

“I’m out of here. Call me when you’re back to being sane.”

“Don’t hold your breath on it, asshole.” 

Adam locks eyes with him one last time, trying to connect with a part of him that isn’t just drunk rage, but Ronan quickly looks away.  As Adam walks out, he takes one last glance over his shoulder to see Ronan getting up from the couch, having trouble staying on his feet and clearly more intoxicated than Adam had first assumed.  He doesn’t go back to help him, Gansey will make sure he’s okay and right now they can’t be in the same room without hurting each other.

As he passes Gansey he makes up a quick excuse for why he needs to go - I forgot I had work, sorry, no you don’t have to drive me there, it’s fine - he lingers back for a second, alone, hands in his pockets. He looks up at the darkening sky, his eyes itch.  He's on the verge of tears, but doesn't let himself feel it.  He wants to numb it down. To not care so much.  To close himself back up and exist only for a future far away from Henrietta.  He had wanted a girlfriend in part because, he didn't want to be inexperienced when he went to university.  He wanted to study it in the same way that he studied everything else, like he studied Gansey and everyone whose life he envied.  He had genuinely liked Blue, he really had, but in the back of his mind, he'd pictured her more as someone who'd one day become an anecdote of first love rather than as someone who'd be the love of his life or whatever you called it - the thing that would last.  He had not planned for Ronan Lynch.  How could he. This sharp, soft, otherworldly boy that made him ache for the present, make decisions only for the thrill of now, trade in a chapter for fifteen minutes of touching him, listening to his laugh and just like he didn't see it coming, he doesn't see it ending either.  If it ended, Ronan probably wouldn't be something he would ever talk about openly, not because he is a boy or because he is impossible, but because it'd be that unhealed thing in the back of his mind, that would always hurt a little.  He had thought he could tame it by not saying it aloud, by keeping it a secret, but no. It is too wild, too delicate and breakable.  Adam closes his eyes. A single tear falls down his cheeks; the wind makes it feel colder. He wish he could just be done with it. 

He can't stand there forever.  He can't go back inside either.

He gets on the bike and he heads home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, we're getting closer and closer to the end.


	16. Payphone //

Things go, like they always seem to go.  They don’t talk. Adam doesn’t see Ronan the next day and Gansey doesn’t know anything.  Adam figures he’s somewhere drinking, getting high, racing, perhaps hanging out with Kavinsky, the worst of the worst scenarios.  Gansey doesn’t seem too concerned about it, but he doesn’t know how badly they fought.  It’s a rare and disturbing thing to be more worried than Gansey and Adam’s melodramatic mind keeps imagining Ronan half-dead in a ditch somewhere. 

Adam still doesn’t fully know what to think of the situation.  He had really tried to explain himself, but Ronan hadn’t been listening.  He was too busy throwing back hurtful insults and purposefully misunderstanding everything Adam said.  If anything Ronan should be the one apologizing, but that is like waiting for the impossible to happen.  Really, it’s a doomed situation to begin with, but what makes it worse is that Adam knows too he’s not finished with it, not at all.  Another thing he knows is this: he has to go to DC for the dinner. 

There are times where he almost thinks, this is making him lose sight of his aspirations and it’s terrifying.  He had called in sick for work and then biked all over town for anyone to see him.  Mad. And for what? He’d only made things worse. 

He needs to go. Not to pick up some girl like Gansey and Ronan both seem to think, but because it's a priceless opportunity, that people like him are normally never given.  That’s who he is. He wants to make something of himself and every step, that will get him closer to that, is one he needs to take.  If Ronan can’t understand, then does he even know him at all?

However, there have been several of signs that he shouldn’t go.  Besides Ronan’s reaction, all their fighting and how Adam really does not want to go, he had been told the day prior that the helicopter needed fixing, which meant a road trip.  Adam of course loathes the helicopter, but it’s better than wasting several hours in a car, that could have been spent studying.  He still goes, though. He has to. 

Gansey hunks several times and waves at him, when he picks him up at St.  Agnes. Adam gets into the passenger seat of the Pig and throws his overnight bag into the back.  It had only been a week since Ronan joked about stealing this car, so they could fool around in it, claiming that it was one of the things on his bucket list and Adam had thought _God,_ _this is stupid_ but also known, that’d he’d go along with it, like he went along with everything else Ronan dared him to do. 

“Look what I got us,” Gansey says while waving a see-through box of cassette tapes with East of Eden written on a note taped to it. “See, then we weren’t be wasting time while driving.”

Adam sees that he’s trying and smiles at him.  It’s not a bad idea either since they have to read the novel for their English class next month, however Adam soon learns that one of the main characters shares his name.  There’s something gloomy about hearing your own name over and over again, especially since the character grows up in poverty and in a sort of cruel backhanded slap is his father’s favorite child.  After enduring this for almost two hours, Adam suggests they take a break from it.  Something about the mood of the story still sits with Adam, and Gansey seems to notice that he’s somewhat down.

“You and Ronan are really at each other's throats a lot these days.” 

Adam gives him a sideways look as if to say _this is not your problem_ , which Gansey replies to by saying: “I know it’s not my problem - but I’m sure you’re aware that I have a tendency to take other people’s problems and make them my problem - therefore, essentially, it is still my problem. So if I can help you in any way, that would be great, because it’s getting hard to watch and half the time, I don’t even know what’s wrong or who’s done what.”

“It’s nothing,” Adam replies vaguely. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“I do worry about it.”

There’s a tense silence in which Gansey seems to consider carefully what to say next.  He drums his thumb against the steering wheel.  “Ronan likes you a lot. And I’ve noticed that you spend more time together. Maybe that’s why all these misunderstandings keep happening.”

“Because we’re not under your surveillance, mighty Gansey?”

“No,” he answers in a calm voice, not taking the bait.  “Because Ronan cares a lot about you.  I think in ways you don’t understand, too... or maybe you do.” 

Adam looks out of the window, the sky is gray, it’s been raining all day.  He is fairly certain that Gansey is trying to tell him, that Ronan has feelings for him.  It doesn’t come as a shock that he knows this.  Ronan has never been too subtle about it, not if you paid close enough attention to it.  Even someone who can be as oblivious as Gansey, will notice eventually.  But then again, Gansey isn’t oblivious when it comes to his friends.  He is naive, sure, but not unaware.

“I know Ronan can be a lot to deal with.  I probably know that better than anyone else, but if he cares about you, the kind of loyalty he has and the lengths he’s willing to go, it’s boundless.  It’s something out of a lost time or even a fairytale.  He’s all or nothing with everything and that’s not an easy disposition to have in life.  You’re stubborn too, so I guess you two just … clash.  ” Gansey sighs. He sends him a soft, sad kind of smile.  “With Ronan he can be at his worst when he thinks that he might lose someone.  You didn’t see what he went through with his father dying.  I think it made him question the permanency of everything and everyone, so he'll push extra hard.  Make a sort of destructive test, probably without realising it, to see if you will leave or not.  I mean, show him that you might and he will make sure of finding out whether you’re serious.  I’m not trying to make excuses for him.  Or maybe I am. I just want you both to be okay.”

“You’ve clearly thought a lot about this, but you don’t really know the whole situation,” Adam dismisses him.  He tries to sound firm, without being harsh.  He knows Gansey is meddling, because he cares.  That’s not nothing. “We’ll be fine in a day or two. That’s just our dynamic.“

“Sure. But …” Gansey pauses. Adam can tell from his face, that he really wants to say the thing that is at the tip of his tongue, but he holds himself back.  “Forget about it. You’re right.  I probably don’t fully understand it.  I’m sure I could, if you let me. If you both actually explained what’s going on in your heads once in a while.”

A little part of Adam wants to just tell him everything, but it’s not the part he will let win at that moment. Instead he says: “Maybe it’s something we need to get better at.” 

Gansey’s smile widens. He looks relieved like he had expected, that this conversation might have led to a fight, which is not wrong. “Better get back to the other Adam, right?” Gansey says as he presses play and the soft, slow voice of the narrator continues.

Adam doesn’t listen. He looks out at the passing landscapes, at the rain pouring.  He thinks about how being right hadn’t gotten him anywhere, how hurtful technicalities could be.  Maybe he hadn’t promised Ronan anything, but he knew what Ronan wanted, what he was offering silently all the time and knows that deep down, it's what he wants too.  It is not a truth he's comfortable with, not something that makes him happy, the way he's sure someone normal would have reacted.  It had always been easier for him to say _I never promised you anything_ than it was to say _I’m terrified to lose you too._

They pull in at a gas station half an hour later.  It's not raining anymore and the sky is clear.  There are no other cars or people to be seen, besides the cashier inside whose reading a magazine over the counter.  Gansey gets out to fill up the gas, but his face suddenly sinks.  He pulls his hair, clearly frustrated and Adam joins him to find out what’s wrong.  He has to bite down a laugh, when he realises what the apparent catastrophe is.  Adam has never seen the Pig look this dirty, which isn’t really much to begin with, since Gansey always kept it immaculately clean and in perfect condition.  There are no scratches or any permanent damage and yet Gansey looks appalled.  To Adam it doesn’t look too bad, but apparently for Gansey seeing the Pig in this state is essentially the same as looking down himself and suddenly realising his clothes had been covered in filth all day.  Possibly worse.

“Do you mind if I clean it a little?  It’ll be quick, I promise. It deserves better than to look like this.”

“Of course. We can’t have the other cars bullying it,” Adam replies.  Essentially, a short delay doesn’t make much of a difference to him.  As Gansey begins to fill up a bucket with water, Adam walks around the area, taking in the plain scenery.  He would help Gansey, but he needs a minute to himself, to let what he had said earlier sink in.  You’re an idiot, he thinks to himself, but not so much in a hateful way.  More than anything he's tired from once again finding himself lost on the same road.  As he walks, he suddenly sees a pay phone.  It looks uncared for and old.  Adam guesses that it doesn't work.  That it's only there, because no one had cared enough to take it down.  He searches his pockets for a couple of coins and finds them.  Why not.

He takes a deep breath. Picks up the phone, press it to his ear, puts in the coins, then dials the number he knows by heart.  It works. That's the first miracle.  _Please, please, pick up._ Ronan doesn’t pick up.  Adam knew too that he wouldn’t.  No one gets two miracles in a row. 

He’s about to hang up, when he hears the bip from the answering machine and it occurs to him that it might actually be easier talking to the machine than Ronan.  At least then he knows that no one is waiting on the other end with a snide, cruel remark, that could make him lose his momentum and his mind at once. 

“It’s me … Adam ... or Parrish.” His mouth feels dry and his voice is low, like he’s telling some sort of secret.  He looks up at the wet trees, drops of rain still clinging to the leaves.  He clears his throat, then continues.  “We’re at this gas station in the middle of nowhere, because the Pig had an emergency.  We’re not stuck or anything, don’t worry.  It’s just a little dirt, but you know Gansey.  To him it’s a crisis.

Maybe calling you is stupid. I knew you wouldn’t pick up, because you never do, especially now, but maybe it’s better that you didn’t, since whenever we talk, I say the wrong thing somehow.  I keep fretting over where you are and I just want to know that you’re not off setting yourself on fire somewhere.  Or letting someone else do it. _Fuck_ _,_ I just hope that - ” his voice trembles, so he pauses, steadies himself “- that you still want to see me when I get back. 

I know, I hurt you. I never told you that, when I should have.  I think I just got lost in this idea of right and wrong, when all you needed to hear is, that i'm not interested in anyone else.  And I’m not. I’m not. I don’t know how to feel sure about this kind of thing, or how to know if I’m even good for you.  We keep getting into these arguments, but maybe they're rooted in the same thing.  If I was honest with you and myself, I think I could be someone who’s not bad for you.  Sorry, if I sound all over the place, my mind is a mess right now ... besides, I doubt you even ever listen to your messages.

Or - if you do, you’re rolling your eyes right now, right?  I know this is probably the worst way to tell you, but I might lose my nerve before I see you, so here it goes-” his heart is beating so viciously, he might as well be made of heart and skin only “- _I love you._ I’m in love with you, Ronan.  And I don’t want to make it a bad thing, when it’s not.  If you’re already over it, I guess I’ll find out when I get back.  If you don't want to talk to me then, I’m sorry.  I really am. You deserve better.” He pauses to say something else, but the pause is so long, that eventually he just hangs up. 

He doesn’t feel less awful when he walks back.  Not like a burden has been lifted.  Apparently telling someone you love them over an answering machine, only makes you feel more anxious.  At least he can’t delete it. It exists outside of himself now.  All he can do is wait.

God, the dinner is going to be a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the last chapter had so much angst, that I felt the next one needed to be published quicker.  
> Btw I may end up adding one or two extra chapters to the total number.


	17. The Dinner //

When you’ve just told someone you love them for the first time, the last thing you want to do is go to a strangers house, miles away from the very boy you’ve just said this to.  The fact that the boy might hate you, may even have good reason to, only makes it worse.

First they make a stop at the Gansey house to settle in and change into nicer clothes.  The guestroom is already set up for Adam.  It all looks the same, taking him back to the night of the fundraiser.  It's much like the dressing room you wait in before going on stage to deliver a set of lines someone else scripted a long time ago.  He thinks over all the things he should say and ask while he puts on a gold-plated pair of cufflinks he purchased at a thrift store months ago.  His fingers are shaking slightly, which doesn’t make it easier.  Before getting back into the car, he takes one last look at himself in the mirror, thinking _almost_ and _good enough for now._

The stage of the production turns out to be a grand house outside of the city.  Picturesque scenery with massive knotty trees and newly lawned grass, the smell of which still lingers in the air as they pass it, before going inside.  There are already about twenty people present, wine glasses in their hands, mingling, laughing and telling stories.  Adam’s eyes instantly finds Violet in the corner of the room, leaning against an armchair and looking bored. 

She has on trousers and an elegant lace blouse showing of her collarbone.  If objective beauty existed, he’s fairly certain she would be it.  She smiles when she sees him too and waves them over.  Gansey grabs him by the shoulder to hurry him up.  She greets them both with enthusiasm, not showing any kind of animosity for the fact that he hadn’t contacted her.  As they talk, he notices that she has dimples in her cheeks, something he had forgotten since seeing her at the fundraiser.  She listens as Gansey talks about landlines and Welsh Kings.  She seems taken with Gansey’s charm the same way everyone else is, but Adam does notice her glancing his way ever so often too.

A woman, who Adam assumes to be her mother, interrupts them to ask Violet to go fetch another bottle of red wine from the cellar.  She asks for a specific brand and year that Adam knows nothing about, but suspects he will have to study closely some day in the future, another thing on an endless list.

“Can you come help me get it, Adam? It’s a little high up.”

“Okay,” he says thinking that anything else would be rude. 

Before they leave, Gansey winks at him, making Adam role his eyes.  The last thing he need is for Gansey to go home and tell Ronan all about how they sneaked of together to the the wine cellar.  Perhaps he should have declined, but she’s already walking ahead of him so determinately, that he doesn’t know how to call it off without it seeming strange.  He follows her down the stairs, her long, dark hair leading the way.  She’s very pretty. In a different situation, he would have been proud to kiss her and dumbfounded too, that she would want that.  However in the present situation, he is mostly just a little uncomfortable, being so close to her on his own and knowing that he turned her down in the most off-handed way.

“I think it’s around here somewhere,” she says, tugging her hair back behind her ears, as she search the shelves. 

When she finally finds the right one, it becomes clear to him, that she doesn't need any help at all.  Actually most of the wines are placed within her reach, especially since there’s a stool on the floor.  She seems to notice that he’s figured out this fact and smiles a little embarrassed. 

“Sorry for luring you here. I just thought it might be the only chance I’d have tonight to get you one on one.  I can be a little much, or so I've been told, but I just wanted to ask you outright if you noticed, that I had written my number down on the napkin that I gave you … or if you just threw it out.  Or lost it. Maybe.”

The way she says it makes him think that she’s been coming up with different scenarios and theories in her head.  He suddenly feels a pang of sympathy for her, knowing that he would have done the same.  It would have driven him crazy, although he would never ever have confronted the person like this.  “I actually saw it, but I forgot to do anything about it.  I’m sorry. I was very flattered.” 

“That’s okay. You can say it if you’re not interested in me. No need to lie.” 

He would have been interested.  He likes that she’s a little much - apparently that’s the type he goes for - but he doesn’t feel that urgency of wanting her he way he did when he first talked to Blue outside of Nino’s.  And it’s more than the fact that he liked Blue more.  It’s that he already has what he wants in someone else.

“I’m sorry. You’re really pretty and nice. It’s not because I don’t like you.”

“You’re just not that into me.  It’s fine. Really.” 

“It’s not that. I sort of have a boyfriend,” he says before fully thinking it through.  “I guess, I should have told you.  Or texted you. It wasn’t fair of me to just leave you wondering like that.”

“Don’t apologize, Adam, you did nothing wrong.  I mean, you could have texted me, but you’re fooling yourself, if you think I spent the last two months thinking about you.  There are a lot of other cute boys out there.” She heads towards the stairs, but before taking the first step, she looks back at him. “You and Gansey make a really cute couple.” 

“We’re not, but thanks,” Adam says, trying not to laugh at the idea.

“Clearly my inklings are way off tonight.” She smiles.  Dimbles and everything. 

“Maybe don’t go around shouting about it.”

“I wouldn’t. Anyway, if I were you, I wouldn’t mention a boyfriend to my dad either.  He’s not an outright homophobe, but in every discrete way he can possibly be, he is. I’m still trying to introduce him to this century.” 

“Yeah,” Adam says. “Thanks.” 

He feels calmer in a way he hadn’t expected.  She pads his shoulder as they walk back.  Maybe it’s weird that it’s so much easier for him to tell a stranger.  However saying it aloud also makes the idea of not hiding it less foreign to him.  He can see himself telling Gansey and Noah.  He can even see himself telling Blue, that maybe she was right, maybe he does have a boyfriend, even if telling Blue that she’s right, might be his least favorite thing in the world. 

The rest of the evening is not bad.  The food is great and Adam gets to ask questions about his applications, as well as he’s given advice and told various of University anecdotes.  They even decide to stay back a little bit longer when Gansey’s parents heads home.  By the end of the night they are six people, all seemingly under twenty, playing cards in the drawing room.  Violet writes down her number on another napkin, this time stressing in a whisper, as she hands it to him discreetly, that it’s a very platonic napkin. 

They say goodbye to the hostesses, who are still sitting at the dinner table.  There are only a few couples left besides Violet’s parents and the mood is a lot looser.  Violet tells them that she’ll follow them out to the car.  As they stand in the driveway, her arms are crossed on her chest, she's clearly a bit cold.

“Thanks for coming. You’re a nice change for the crowd my parents usually invite in.”

“We would love to come back,” Gansey says, gracious as ever. 

“I’d love that too. Good luck finding your Welsh King,” she says to Gansey and kiss his cheek.  Then she turns to Adam. “It was really nice seeing you again, Adam. Say hi to your boyfriend from me.”

She kisses him on the cheek too like she did with Gansey, but he barely even registers it.  Had he not told her to keep quiet?  She probably thought he meant the party only.  Who assumes that someone's best friend doesn’t know who they’re with.

Violet turns and walks back inside, before she really gets a chance to see the look on Gansey’s face.  If she had, she would have asked questions.  Gansey had always been such an open book and the story on his face right now is this; confusion, contemplation, betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the next 3 chapters will be published in the next 3 days, one per day. They are all DC-centered chapters that sort of build on top of each other, which is why I thought I should just get them out without too much waiting.  
> Also, I've added two extra chapters. The last thing I want is for the ending to be rushed, so to blend things more out I've decided to do this. Thank you to everyone for giving this story so much love. <3


	18. Revenge //

“Did you lie to her?” Gansey asks sternly.  At the end of the sentence is an unspoken second question _or to me?_

They are driving, Adam is watching the curves of the road, knowing that if they talk about it, they will fight about it and if they fight he won’t be able to keep calm, all of his body is already getting ready, adrenaline rushing, heart beating, pulse throbbing to the tips of his fingers. The thing he's been fearing is in the midst of happening, out of nowhere, so how could he be calm.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, we’re going to talk about it.  If you have a boyfriend, how do I not know about it? I didn’t even know you -” 

He pauses. Adam feels it still building slowly, steadily, surely.  It’s aimed at Gansey as well as himself for being this stupid, this careless, but for now Gansey is its target.

“It’s Ronan, isn’t it? How can I not know that my two best friends are in a relationship?” 

“Probably for the same reason that I don’t know about you dating my ex-girlfriend. We don’t trust each other, that’s just the way it works with us.” 

“I trust you, Adam, of course I trust you!  But - you’ve already had so much to deal with this year - moving, the hearing, all you went through with her. I was only trying to protect you.”

“You did a shit job! You did a shitty job at something that’s not even your job.  We should be friends, equals, but you treat me like I’m a nice little charity project, like you just want to waive me around and say, _look, I fixed him._ _ ”_

“We are equals. It’s not my fault that you sometimes act irrationally.  Look, all I’m trying to do is help and be there for you, but you make it sound like that's some kind of crime. Friends help each other, it has nothing to do with pity, that’s just how people are.”

“So this is how you help your friends - dating their ex right after a break up and then lying about it - that’s what friends do?”

“I know it’s not a perfect situation, but I was trying to protect you -” Gansey’s hands tightens around the steering wheels, his jaw is clenched.  “But if you knew about me and Blue - Please tell me, that’s not why you’re with him. It’s not revenge, is it?” 

It's the tipping point. He's seeing red. First this pathetic plan to protect him like he’s a toddler. The fact that he doesn’t even ask whether it’s Ronan, but just assumes, like he assumes fucking everything, but mostly the fact that he really believes Adam has it in him to be that cruel, to suggest that he would do that, that it would even occur to him.  “Pull over,” Adam hisses.

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. I’m taking us back to my parents.“

“Gansey, just pull the fuck over.”

“I’m sorry,” Gansey says in a different, calmer tone “ I shouldn’t have said - I just don’t know what to think, all of this is - _Adam!”_

Adam had opened the passenger door, feeling ready to jump out, to do anything to get away.  This move finally makes Gansey pull in at the side of the road.  “Where are you going to go? Adam?”

He doesn’t answer. He gets out and slams the door as hard as he can. He starts walking in a fast pace with no real aim or idea of what to do next.  All he knows is that he has to go.  He can’t do this.

Gansey drives away. It’s a physical relieve.  He hates him. He can’t look at him - and then the car stops, it makes a U-turn, coming back.

Adam looks down at his feet, wishing like he has many times before, that he could be invisible, untouchable, unknowable.

And then Gansey is there, driving beside him, like a lunatic, window rolled down, calling his name.  _Adam. Adam. Adam._ Adam doesn’t respond.  He bites down his teeth hard in an effort not to say something he might regret.  He knows too that he worst thing he can do to Gansey is to be unreachable, to ignore him.  He wants to hurt him in the same way he is hurt all the time by low expectations, people thinking that he’s brutal and damaged. 

“Why are you doing this?” Gansey sounds like he’s crying or on the verge of it.  Adam doesn’t care. He will not be made the victim or the villain.  He’s done with it. “ _Please._ Please just go back in the car, Adam, I need to know that you’re safe."

Adam has had it. He looks up, glaring at Gansey, anger everywhere, anger all he is. 

I’m not going to be owned by you, is what he thinks.  What he says is: “Go away! _I mean it - get the fuck away from me!”_

If I want Ronan, why the hell should I have to turn over my soul to you first, is what he thinks.

What he says is: _“Gansey, please!”_ his voice rasp, desperate, thick, like a prayer you only say on your knees, except he’s not asking for help, he’s asking to be alone, because that’s the place where he feels if not safe, then familiar, a place he knows like a home.

Gansey is crying. He’s certain of that now.  He says something inaudible and then at last Adam gets his way. The lights from the car disappears down the road slowly, until they're gone.  Then, finally, he’s alone in the darkness.


	19. Rain //

It starts to rain. 

First it’s simply droplets gracing his skin, then suddenly, like he’s crossed a line, it pours. 

He can barely see anything. No cars, no lights.  He ran across a field, yes, he’s sure of that, maybe even a private property, but he doesn't know where it's led him.  There’s no pathway to follow, no goal of any sort, If he had money or a phone, then maybe - _something._ He doesn't. He's alone. 

The soles of his shoes are soaked.  There’s a metallic taste in his mouth and the rain blurs his line of vision.  He hates being caught out in the rain.  It reminds him of something he hasn’t thought about in a long time.

He’s five and he can’t finish his dinner.  It’s burnt porridge, too thick to swallow and his father hisses that he has to eat up.  It escalates before he sees it coming.  Suddenly the plate is being thrown at him, everything is clatter and raised voices.  He’s grabbed by the collar and dragged outside.  He can remember every bit of it, every sensation, like the tiniest part of him is still bound to this moment.  He’s hysteric. He bangs on the door with both his fists.  It’s raining. He’s sobbing. The two things blend into one. 

He’s six and he has to wear long sleeves to school.  Normally the bruises are hidden in places that cannot be seen, but this time, maybe by mistake, they are clearly visible.  “Adam is always cold,” his mother says as she drops him off, until she doesn’t have to, because he’s learned to say it for himself.

He’s seven and a boy calls him trailer trash, so he pushes him hard into the sand.  The boy lands on a sharp tool left there by accident and his lip is cut open.  “This is very, very serious, Adam,” the teacher tells him.  The boy gets a scar. It’s barely visible, but everyone knows it was Adam who did it.  Adam gets a scar too. The teacher calls home and it leads to a prolonged beating.  Still, no one knows about that scar.  If they do, they don’t talk about it to him. 

He’s eight and he tries to be kinder.  He really does. The other kids still avoid him.  There’s a new substitute teacher, who reads with him in the soft chairs in the corner of the classroom.  “You’re so smart, Adam,” she says and she’ll ruffle his hair sometimes. “Such a natural.”

He’s ten and he has to go to the hospital.  It’s the first time it’s gotten that bad.  It’s the first time too that his father admits, he shouldn’t have done it and for once he really does look sorry.  They tell the nurses that it was an accident.  Adam wants to believe that maybe it was.  Maybe it’ll get better.

He’s eleven and it hasn’t gotten better.  Now he yells. He breaks things.  He defies the rules. It’s easier to take a beating for that than for leaving a plate by the sink. 

He’s twelve and the adults now call it behavioral problems at school.  “He acts up at home too, we’re at our ends,” his mother explains and she’s believed, which is how he knows that he weren't be.

He’s thirteen and he gets his first job.  He has to hand over the money.  However what they don’t know is that Adam has figured out a truth.  If he wears clean clothing, if he combs his hair back and smiles brightly, sometimes people will hand him coins or offer him sweets as a tip.  He keeps this money in a cereal box under his bed and is careful with using them.  It’s a secret that makes him feel free from them.  At the thrift store he buys of a worn out copy of _Great Expectations._ He reads it when he can’t fall asleep.  It starts something.

He’s fourteen and he’s the best in his class.  Whenever he’s not working or at school, he spends the rest of his time at the library; reading and absorbing everything. 

He’s fifteen and his father tries to beat the idea of Aglionby out of him.  It’s too expensive. Rich scum like that think we are trash, he yells at him, like he’s teaching him that there are realms of this world, that are not for them.  His father doesn’t understand that all the books he’s read at the library are doors to a different world.  He’s gone through too many to come back now. 

He’s sixteen and he’s dying. He’s on the floor.  The walls are closing in on him.  His heart is beating rapidly, a prisoner in his chest that's frantically trying to escape.  He can’t breathe. He knows that it’s over, that this is dying and yet he wakes up the next day, alive in the worst way.  A couple of days later on his way to school he sees the shiniest of all the Aglionby boys standing by the side of the road next to his Camaro.  He looks hopeless, but also for the first time ever, approachable.  Adam gets off his bike and helps him change the tire, explaining each step carefully.  Gansey asks him what he knows about Welsh Kings.  Adam barely knows anything, but he’s willing to find out, if it means that Gansey will keep beaming at him like that.

He’s seventeen and Ronan comes back for him.  It’s fists and protests, shrieking and skin, the smell of blood and beer.  Ronan is kneeling next to him, sweat on his forehead glistening in the light from the kitchen lamp, panic in his eyes as he brings his hands to where Adam is bleeding.  Adam never let anyone into this place, never brought friends home, but Ronan let himself in and suddenly he’s the realest thing there, pale bright skin made of sparks that are burning the house down, so that Adam can get out once and for all.  In hindsight that might be the moment Adam falls for him, but so much falling is already taking place and it makes it hard to tell one thing apart from the other.  That’s how he miss the seed planted underneath the ashes, but when he remembers it, when he replays it, like starting a book over once you’re done, he sees how each smile and comment and look from then on were drenched in that moment, leading them towards each other with such force that trying to escape it was like trying to live every day holding your breath.

He is holding his breath now, he realises.  He fills his lungs with air and breathes it out slowly.

He walks on. This was not how he had pictured the night ending.  He closes his eyes for a second.  Something is changing and he is not sure it will do him any good.  One foot in front of the other, he keeps going. He thinks maybe he’s been crying, because his eyes are sore, but he can’t remember it. 

He sits down on a bench. His legs ache.  He unties his shoes and takes off his socks.  He tries to wiggle his toes but it takes effort, because they are so stiff and cold.  He lays down, not falling asleep, but drifting off still. 

When dawn comes it reveals things to him.  Part of his shirt is torn. It’s so muddy too that he’s sure it will never be white again.  His hands are dirty like he’s been digging through soil.

“Are you okay, young man?” a voice asks.

He looks up. It’s an elderly lady out walking her dog.  Yes, he wants to say. It looks bad, but he’s got it all under control.  He’s fine.

“I’m lost,” is what he says in the end. “I walked a long way and I just got lost.”

“Must have been quite a night out,” she says.  He agrees with her and forces a smile.  He’s not sure that she really believes it, but he likes that narrative a lot better than the truth. 

“Do you happen to have a phone I could lend for a moment? I lost mine.” 

She seems to hesitate, perhaps considering whether he’s a threat or not.  He pets the dog who in turn wags its tail.  That might be what does it.

“I don’t have a mobile phone, but I live just around the corner. If you’ll follow along, then -” 

He thanks her and gets up on his feet.  He tries to be polite and asks about the dog.  He’s very careful when walking into the house.  He folds up his jeans and wipes his feet carefully on the towel that she hands him, before stepping inside.  On the walls are pictures of what he assumes to be her children and grandchildren.  Adam feels it in his chest. He can’t feel his feet, but this is something that always hits him, every time, although he’d never say.  Maybe it shouldn't make him sad.  It's simply pictures of strangers on a wall in another strangers house.  However, it reminds him that most people essentially don’t hate their kids. 

He picks up the phone, calls Gansey and tells him where he is. 


	20. An impending doom //

It’s a chauffeur that comes to pick him up, which is a relief. 

Adam wants to skip this next part.  The explaining and the forgiveness and the getting back on track.  Gansey needs to talk things through just as much as Adam wants to let them go.  However in this one instance, he might agree that something needs to be said.  Last night was different. It seemed to mark something.  It still only makes him want to talk it out less, though. 

The driver asks if he wants to listen to music and Adam says yes.  He’s watching the drops of rain on the window.  They are shivering, then one falls and sinks into another, growing, until it's so heavy that it has to fall down, taking with it every other drop on its path too.  These sort of day to day details are so hidden, camouflaged by the bigger mess of life.  Adam really, really wish he could be unseen too.  Whenever he pictures the future, he sees someone totally different from himself, but all the steps in between, the gradual slow changes are too painful and embarrassing to even imagine.

Once he gets out of Henrietta, he’ll tell no one about sitting in the back of this car.  He leans his forehead closer to the window.  His breath fogs up the glass.  It will be like he came out of nothing.  Invisible one day, then too shining for anyone to miss the next.  That will be him.

When the car pulls into the driveway, Gansey's mother is the one waiting for him on the frontporch wearing a silky rope in a soft pink.  She’s clutching her hand over where her heart is.  He had really hoped that Gansey was the only one who knew, but now he sees how feeble that hope was.  Gansey probably treated the situation like Adam was in danger of dying. 

“We were all so worried,” she tells him squinting her eyes from the early morning sun. 

“I’m sorry for causing so much trouble.” 

“As long as you’re fine, that’s what matters most, dear.” She gives him a kind smile that only makes him feel worse.  “Gansey is waiting in one of the studies for you. It’s next to your guest room, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find.”

“Thank you. I’m sure I’ll find it just fine.”

“Adam, if you need anything, in any way, please let us know.  We’d be so happy to help. I really mean it.” 

“Thank you, mam,” he says. He tries to copy her smile, but he’s not sure if he manages to make it look as sincere as he wants.  The muscles around his mouth are too stiff. 

His steps echo as he walks up the stairs.  It’s such a grand house. It has the soul of old money.  History, extravagance and beauty in one timeless symphony.  He opens the door to the guest room and walks in.  Everything is as he left it.

He changes into dry, fresh clothing and adjusts his hair until he looks like he would any other day.  The door to the study is left ajar.  It’s the only room where the light is on.  Adam knocks before entering. Gansey is standing at the center, seemingly frozen in the midst of pacing the room, a glass of whisky in his hand.  His eyes are red, his hair a mess.  The light in the room provides a mood that makes him look older, like he could be a counselor instead of a young student.  There’s an ashtray on the table, a single cigarette butt left in it.  A classic cheshire couch in light brown next to a portable bar in ash tree.  All the curtains are closed except for one that is left open.  Adam assumes that if he walked over it would provide a perfect view of the driveway.

“Adam,” Gansey says in a low voice.

Adam glances up to his face, then looks back down at the wooden floor.

“I went back for you a second time - I stayed out there for almost an hour trying to find you.”

“I wish you would have just left me.”

“You befriended the wrong person then.” Adam hears steps, then the sound of a glass being put down.  “What I said to you - I should never have said that.  It was ludicrous and I just can’t stand that I left you out there. If something had happened, I swear, it would haunt me forever."

“It was a good thing you left.” Adam rubs his hands together.  There’s still scraps of dirt underneath his fingernails and he can’t wait to get it off.  To erase any physical evidence of last night.  “I wasn’t fully myself right then. I don’t know what I would have done.” 

“You really scared me. I’m sure it scared you too a lot losing control like that.  Where did you even go? What happened?

“I think I ran over a field first or something. I must have blacked out, because I don’t really remember much.” 

“Adam, you say it like it happens all the time.  Listen, I don’t want another fight, but please just let me say this.  You’ve been so volatile for the past few months and now this - blacking out and walking off alone, this is very serious. Someone could have run you over or you could have walked into -” 

“I’m fine, thanks.” 

“I really think you should consider seeing someone when we get back. It’s getting too out of hand for you to just deal with it on your own anymore.”

Adam knows that what he says makes sense, but he can’t even let the idea sink in.  It’s a foreign concept. Therapy is a luxury for people who can afford it.“That sounds expensive.” 

“I’m not even going to suggest doing what you know I would do for you in a heartbeat, because I know that you'd hate me for it.  All I’m saying is that you should think about this.” Gansey walks over to the window with the open draws.  He has his hands in his pocket. It hits Adam once again how perfectly he fits into this place like a sculptor had made him for the sole purpose of walking these halls. “I spoke to Ronan.”

“He picked up his phone?”

“Yes. I called him too after I knew you were on your way back.”

It’s too much. Hearing Ronan’s name and the fact that he knows about all of this.  Adam walks over to the couch and sits down on the edge of it.  He wipes his eyes with his palms.  The light, even though it's dim, is still too much for him and he can feel Gansey watching him again. 

“I honestly don’t know if I’m any good for him,” Adam says.  His voice sounds different, more hollow somehow. 

“You don’t need to be this hard on yourself.” 

“Maybe I do. What you said yesterday about Ronan being willing to go to any lengths - Well, what If I’m not worth that. That’s a lot of fucking pressure.” 

“Adam, what have you done that’s so horrible?”

“I hurt him. He weren't even talk to me.”

Gansey waits for him to continue.  His eyes on him feels like a burn, but when Adam looks up he sees that Gansey is looking more pitiful than angry.  It’s not what Adam wants, so he explains it all.  The kiss in the driveway. The sneaking around, the pushing and pulling away, as well as the fight over the DC trip and the girl - Violet - who was only ever a girl, never _the_ girl.  How Adam had insisted on keeping it all secret and casual.  How he had thought for awhile Ronan wanted him mostly as a part of a game, until he didn’t think that anymore, until he knew that it wasn’t true, that it never was.  And if it was true, it had been a game, where Ronan put in everything on him for the sole blindingly stupid reason that it was what he wanted wildly.  It was irrational and foolhearted.  Everything Adam was not. Still, it wasn’t like Ronan had lost and Adam had won.  No one wins by clutching every chip they own.  It’s a different fall, but a fall nonetheless. 

Adam doesn't say the last things aloud.  It’s not something he thinks he could ever explain.  Gansey still looks almost dumbfounded by what he’s been told though.  “I don’t really understand. You got Ronan to go along with the idea that you two should just be casual?”

“It wasn’t as if we made a contract.  I told him what I could give him and what I couldn’t. I still don’t even know how I got this all so wrong, when I was clear about -” 

“Adam,” Gansey interrupts him. “You weren’t seeing anyone else, were you?”

Adam shakes his head no.

“Then - you were only with him - all of the time. No one else.“

“Isn’t that what you do in a friends with benefits type of situation?”

“Do I really have to explain Ronan Lynch to you?  Friends with benefits is not even in his vocabulary.  You might as well have been speaking La - Well, not Latin of course.  You know what I mean.” Gansey sighs.  He rubs his forehead like he’s trying to get rid of the wrinkles from years of worrying about his friends.  “Can I ask you something? Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t think that’s the important question.”

“How could it not be?” 

“Because sometimes I have this feeling that I’m not meant to feel anything for anyone.  Because - a part of me hates this.  Being so attached to someone when I’ve worked so hard just to be free all my life.  I’ve bent over backwards for it and now I’ve got this impending doom over me, that I could lose it any moment and be on my own again.  And I could lose it, because I’m not - right that way like everyone else.  I keep fucking it up and half of the time I’m not even sure why, but it could be that I just don’t know how to take care of someone.  And if don’t know that, if I’m just ruined that way, then maybe it’s better to not put myself in a position where I have to. He doesn’t deserve that.”

Adam is shaking. He puts his hands in his lap in an attempt to hide it.  Gansey sits down on the other end of the couch carefully, still giving him space.

“That’s all really dark. I think that if freedom is not being attached to anything or anyone, it comes at too high of a prize. And if you have to avoid it - the best part of life - are you even free?” 

“That’s just words, Gansey.” 

“If you want me to say something other than words that’s going to be hard.” 

“How do you even know that you’re in love with Blue? Or that you’re even right for each other?” 

“That’s a hard question to spring on me this early - or late, I guess.  It’s the age old question everyone asks themselves, right?  I don’t know how to define love. I guess that’s the point of it, it’s indefinable, different for everyone.” 

“That’s just words too.” 

“Fine. Blue … she makes me feel calm.  Settled. I can sleep after I’ve talked to her.  It’s this feeling of belonging, I think. But it’s more than that too.” 

Adam doesn’t say anything.

“Did you notice that when you talked about Ronan, you called the prospect of losing him _an impending doom_.  That’s how you describe someone you love.  Adam, I think you already know you’re in love with him.  It’s written all over you. The rest of it - if you can make it work, whether you’re going to hurt him - those are all things you get a say in.  It’s the things that you have to work for.  You have to talk to him, be honest, try to figure it all out together.  And if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.  We don’t really get a choice in who we love, but we should be careful with it still.  It’s a rare thing. Some people never get it. And trust me, you’re not ruined, ruined people don’t worry this much about hurting other people.”

It’s a lot all at once but Adam tries to let the words sink in.  To believe it. He feels Gansey’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing and he closes his eyes. 

“You sound way too wise for someone under twenty.”

“Maybe it’s the whisky.” 

“Maybe your soul was born in the 1800’s and it’s just been maturing ever since.” 

“That would explain so many things.” Gansey almost smiles.  “ _God._ Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I didn’t tell anyone. Blue knows because -”

“You told Blue?” 

“No. She walked in on us.” 

Gansey looks taken aback. 

“She walked in on us kissing. Don’t have a heart attack.” 

“I’m trying not to. Give me five minutes to get used to all of this.  Only last night I was trying to be a wingman for you … But - the question still stands.  Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me when Blue found out just to get it all out there?” 

“I don’t know.” 

_ “Adam.” _

“You can be very protective of Ronan.  That’s not the only reason, but you can’t pretend that you’re not worried about us being together. Your first instinct was to say that I would be with him as a part of a plot against you.”

“That sounds so bad.”

“It is bad. In a way you’re more his friend than you’re mine and maybe that’s fair.  You’ve known him longer. You two have a bond that’s hard to come between.”

“It’s not like that. I think what I said to you last night might be the worst thing I’ve ever said to anyone in my life.  I know you would never do that. Sometimes when I try to protect you two I end up hurting you instead.  People always say love and hate are close, right, but maybe protecting and hurting are too? I really did think I was helping. I guess, I just … didn’t see it coming. You two together.” 

“Why not?” 

“Ronan is not an easy choice.  I guess I assumed you’d find a girlfriend somewhere far away from Henrietta and then we’d see you a few times a year, until we wouldn’t see you at all.  I was hoping for something different, but ... ” 

“I don’t know if I saw it coming either,” Adam admits. 

“If I made anything hard for you I’m sorry. I’m sorry too for not telling you about Blue.” 

Adam gives him a weak smile. “You seem good together.”

“Thanks. I’m glad it's out in the open now.  I’m tired of trying to hide it when really some days she’s all that keeps me going.  That’s not a feeling to hide, you know. Not for you either.”

Adam agrees. He gets up from the couch and turns his head.  “So - about the whisky. Does this mean I get to drive the Pig?”

Gansey doesn’t look comfortable at that idea at all, but Adam knew he wouldn’t.  “I haven’t had that much. Really, essentially just one glass. How about we sleep for a couple of hours and then we’ll see who's most aquibt to drive back.”

“And who will be the judge of that?"

“Not my mother,” Gansey huffs.

They both leave the room, but before they part ways in the hallway, Adam asks him one last question.

“You told Ronan I was okay, right?”

Gansey nods. “He knows you’re fine.  I called him as soon as you called me. I asked him if I should have you call him, but he said he wanted to talk to you in person.”

“Thanks,” Adam says. He suddenly feels awkward again.  It’s still not comfortable for him.  Gansey knowing. But it is still better than him not knowing.  Sometimes the right things doesn’t feel right.  He already knew that. None of getting out the trailer had felt right in the moment it happened.  That had come after.

Before going to bed he takes a shower and dries his hair.  As he lay down he remembers the last time he was there.  How he had clutched the napkin where Violet wrote her number.  Now he thinks about Ronan and he imagines feeling his arms wrapped around his chest, his lips on the back of his neck and it calms him, it makes him want more, want everything.  He’s not losing that without a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter really took forever to write, which is also why it’s so delayed. I had so many things I wanted to say with it and a million pieces of dialogue that I needed to wove together naturally. ALSO, this whole fic is named after a line from a Taylor Swift song, just like all my other fics, so you can probably guess since she just dropped an album out of the blue, that’s where my mind has been this weekend. The whole album is quite gloomy, just sad and melancholic, so it sort of fit the tone of this fic, which definitely helped. My mind is just all folklore. I will have to get out of that a bit before writing the ending. ;)  
> For all of you showing this fic love, you are great. ALSO the next chapter will finaaaallly have Ronan in it.


	21. Everything I want //

The weather, when they arrive in Henrietta, is wet and windy. 

Monmouth is where they go first, but since Ronan isn’t there, they drive to St. Agnes instead.  All the way Adam fears that the entire day will end up passing in a game of hide and seek that he knows he’ll engage in if that’s what it takes to get Ronan to talk to him.

He turns up the radio in an attempt to drown out Gansey’s empty, ongoing assurances that Ronan will definitely be at St. Agnes and why didn’t they just start there to begin with.

When they finally arrive they are greeted by the familiar sight of the black BMW parked outside of the church, the same way it has been for months. 

“Maybe I should go with you,” Gansey suggests. 

“I think I need to talk to him on my own.” 

“Well … if it all goes well, then let's meet at Nino’s later.  And if it doesn’t -” Gansey can’t seem to find a good end to that sentence and Adam doesn’t want to hear it either.  He really can’t think of that scenario right now.  And it's not because he can’t see it all going to hell - he can imagine that perfectly fine on his own without any help.

Even as he gets out of the car and steps onto the sidewalk, he pictures Ronan inside waiting to give the final deathblow; a cold shoulder, a vicious glare, fire in his eyes ready to burn down whatever is stupid enough to get too close. 

No, that’s his head again. Ronan is not like that.  Not anymore. And he probably never was to begin with.  It’s an old myth that he needs to stop telling himself.

His palms are sweaty. He is dizzy.  It’s as if he’s walking down a path where nothing is quite right, not like he left it, although he couldn’t point to a single object either and claim that it’s changed.

He walks up the stairs to his studio, ready to see Ronan waiting for him outside the door, but he’s not there.

It occurs to Adam that this was always where he thought he would be.  It’s where he’s found Ronan so many times before, sitting on the floor, leaning against the door, headphones in, simply waiting.  Adam knows that scene well enough, but it’s not the one that’s playing right now. 

Just to be sure he still unlocks the door.  When it comes to Ronan nothing seems too out of the question, but he’s not waiting inside.  Adam opens the window to let in some air before going back down the stairway. 

There is always a chance that he’s not there.  That maybe the car is already gone.  Or it hadn’t been there at all. 

Ronan might have dreamt a second copy of the car just to toy with him. 

For all he knows the whole town could be filled with empty black BMW’s.

Adam goes back outside again.  The car is not gone. He walks closer.  He looks through the tinted windows.  He gently knocks on the glass, but nothing happens.  He sighs and turns around, looking at the building and then it hits him.  _Of course._

He walks back inside, this time not up the stairs, but inside the church itself.  The door is heavy and squeaks as he opens it.

The first thing that catches his eye is the figure of the Virgin Mary.  The smell of incense is noticeable, the high ceilings makes him feel smaller.  All rows are empty except for one.  And Adam would know him anywhere.  The tall figure. The shaved head.  The leather jacket over his shoulders. 

Adam thinks of one sleepless night when they were out walking.  He was wearing a thin T-shirt only and Ronan had put the jacket over his shoulders without asking if he was cold.  It had surprised Adam how light it felt draped over him, because he had envisioned it differently.  He thought it would be heavy and stiff.  Maybe it was another dream object or maybe that was just how things naturally shaped themselves around Ronan; suddenly free to never be as they seemed. 

It all comes down to this.

Adam walking towards him, trying not to ruin anything.

Ronan isn’t looking back over his shoulder.  He didn’t even look back when the door announced someone coming.  Not even as Adam’s steps echo through the church, louder than he’s comfortable with, being someone who likes to hide, to blend in.

He remembers hiding from his father under his bed and how a glass marble had slipped from his fingers, rolling over the floor, revealing him.  He was excellent at hiding as a kid but he knew too that no place could hide you forever.  In elementary school he used to hide under cabinets, in trees, on rooftops, in closets. 

However little things were always likely - and ready - to reveal you.  A branch breaking. A body part hitting the closet walls too hard when you moved: an elbow or a knee placed wrong and suddenly someone knows where you are.

And all you can do is wait to see whether they will climb in with you, pretend you don’t exist or pull you into the light too soon.

How all of those options can feel so wrong, because all you were trying to be was alone and unseen. 

Each step towards Ronan reminds him of that.  Except this is him climbing out himself, running, trying to catch up, to not be burned by the light, _to not loose this._

He sits next to him. Careful to still leave room between them, to not overstep any lines.

He clears his throat and Ronan glances at him out of the corner of his eye.  His head is still turned towards the altar instead of Adam.  His one hand lay open in his lap as if it’s waiting to be taken, but Adam isn’t taking anything for granted, not when Ronan isn’t even looking at him, so he doesn’t reach for it.  Ronan closes it up and puts it back in his pocket. 

“I couldn’t find you,” Adam says.  It feels like a safe thing to say.  A simple statement with no thorns.  However as it echoes, it sounds stupid, too pointless and empty. 

“Not like I went to DC. I just came down here to pray. Not my fault you happen to live in the same place as God.”

“Pray for what?” Adam asks instead of pointing out that it is in fact very much his fault.  That he would never have gotten this place on his own.

“Prayers are private, Parrish.” 

“I can go again if you need to be alone.” 

“I don’t ... I’m just - being careful with you.”

That hurts. And what makes it worse is that it’s not even an exaggerated bite.  It’s honest. Adam folds his hands in his lap.  He feels an itching restlessness everywhere in his bones, he leans forward, moves his feet.  “I wasn’t prying. I guess I just really don’t know what to say to you. Where to start with this.”

“To sum it up we had a huge fight because you were being an asshole.  And then you went to DC where you left the most insane voicemail on my phone, only to run off in the middle of the night like an absolute madman, leaving everybody in the dark.  And now here we are. There’s a lot of things you could say, but I don’t really give a fuck about that. I want to hear what you want to say.” 

It’s like he can’t breathe. The church room doesn’t make it better.  He can almost feel the statue of Virgin Mary glaring at him, cursing him for dishonoring one of her most beloved visitors.

He looks at him, turns his shoulders too, not caring if Ronan will not do the same right now. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you and I know I did.  When I’m around you - you just confuse me - and I think it’s because you make me feel something no one ever has.  You treat all of this like it’s the easiest thing in the world, offering up everything and I don't know how to do the same.  I overanalyzed too much and then I tried to push you away to avoid dealing with it.  It clearly all backfired on me if that's any consolation." He takes a deep breath, still looking at Ronan, trying to catch any hint that this all still mean something to him and that it's not too late.  "So ... there you have it. I'm sorry.  I'm not Gansey, I'm not the good guy.  I don’t even know if you want me to stay away, but whatever you want, whatever would be best, tell me.  If you need me to go away, I will.  You can have all of this. I’ll move out.  I’ll stop being around Gansey and Noah and Blue. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it.”

Ronan finally turns his head towards him.  His eyes darts up, a bewildered look in them as if he had prepared himself for a battle instead of the waving of a white flag. 

“Parrish, this is not a goodbye scene.  If you want that, you’re going to have to be the one to walk away.” His shoulders slumps down like he’s just let go of something heavy.  “No, I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stop being a shitshow, but I don’t want you to leave.”

Adam is so relieved he lets out a sigh.  Just hearing that. _I don’t want you to leave._ He moves closer to Ronan until their shoulders are touching and even something so small is so nice after all these days of chaos. 

“You’re still a mess though.” Ronan says but there’s something in his voice that almost makes it sound like it’s not an insult. “An utter, complete mess.” 

“It’s not like you didn’t already know that.  You saw what I came from firsthand, that's not really something that goes away overnight.  I thought maybe the trial would help but it just made it worse somehow, it made everything feel fresher, being out in the open like that. If I can’t be good for you, then -”

“Adam,” Ronan interrupts. “You talk about this like it’s some tame class you’re failing. I’m not going to give you an F, just because we fight and you don’t get it right right away.” 

“But that’s what I’m saying. I don’t know how to do this - I don’t even know how to talk about it like a normal person.”

“Tell me what you’ve done that so fucking terrible.” 

“You’re here. You’re hurt. And it’s because of me.  I just - I ruin things, wherever I am. I'm not good with people" 

“Stop saying that. God Adam,” Ronan puts an arm over his shoulder, a hand gently on his knee, eyes staring into his “- I shouldn’t have acted like I could be casual with you, when I knew I could never.  You're not the only one who made mistakes.  I just wanted to give you whatever you wanted, then I figured I’d deal with it when you found someone better or moved away.  Better to have loved and lost or however the fuck it goes. I just wanted you to have everything you want, because … hell, you’re everything I want.” 

It’s dead silent as the words echo. 

This. 

Ronan's eyes watching for something.  Some sign.

It’s like that last lingering sunshine that doesn’t sting.  That sentence in a book you read over and over.  Not because you don’t understand it, but because you want it in your bones, want it to thicken your skin with love.  His eyes are so darkly blue, so beautiful this close. 

“Does that scare you?”

“No.” 

Ronan smirks slightly. _“Liar.”_

Maybe he is scared. How could he not be.  But he knows too what Ronan really means.  _Does that scare you away._ And it doesn’t.  It can’t.

Adam takes his face in his hands, leaning even closer till they are forehead against forehead.  Behind Ronan the light blazes through the mosaic windows of the church, vivid shades, so alive.  “I love you,” Adam whispers. He looks at him while saying it, forcing himself not to shy away from it. 

“I think I've heard that somewhere before.”

Adam blushes slightly. He doesn't even want to think about that voicemail. “You’re not going to say it back?” 

“Okay. Well, for some bizarre reason I feel the same.” 

_ “Thanks.”  _

“You’re welcome.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Don’t curse in church, Parrish.” 

Adam gives him a look, but he can’t even do it convincingly.  He feels too much.

“If I can’t curse in church can I at least still kiss you?” 

This makes Ronan break into a smile.  Adam is so close that can’t see his mouth, but he sees it in the way his skin move around his eyes.  He takes this as a go ahead. 

He leans over and finally kisses him.  They are in no hurry, so it’s slow, lips against lips moving like feet dancing on the floor, slow and familiar, but it still makes Adam's heart ache, still makes him want more. 

There is so much to say still and Adam doesn’t know where to continue.  He doesn’t want to pull at a string that could ruin the bliss.  There will be other days for that and he believes that they will get through those days too. 

They walk up to Adam’s, so close that they’re shoulders are bumping, Adam takes his hand and holds it tight.  He had thought Ronan would either want to dig deeper into everything or have sex, but instead he takes of his jacket and his jeans, ordering for Adam to do the same.  Ronan rests his head against Adam's chest as they lay down on the mattress.  There seems to be no energy left in him.  His eyes are closed and Adam gets the rare luxury of just watching him, rare because he is usually always the one to fall asleep first himself.

Adam runs his hand up under Ronan's shirt, caressing his back gently.  He closes his eyes, trying to imagine which part of the tattoo he’s touching when.  One day, he swears, he’ll know it all by heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, this took time to write, but I hope you like it. Only two chapters left. :(


	22. Something starts //

“Do we have to?” Ronan sighs drowsily. 

His phone lights up every few minutes with new texts from Gansey begging them to come to Nino’s as if they are both children who failed to meet their curfew and now need to prove that they haven't  been kidnapped or otherwise harmed.

“You could at least text him we’re fine,” Adam suggests. 

“I already texted him once that we were not fighting.”

“That’s too vague for Gansey.” 

“You know he’s going to be annoying as hell if we go, right?” Ronan says.

It’s not wrong. Gansey has a way of unknowingly making awkward situations even more awkward. 

All Adam really wants right now is Ronan.  He could easily stay there with his arms around him until the morning.  But then the phone rings. And then again.  And then again.

“Don’t answer it, Parrish,” Ronan keeps repeating but after the fifth call Adam picks up anyway and puts it on speaker.  Hearing Gansey’s voice seems to wear Ronan down and he eventually agrees that _okay,_ maybe they can go for an hour or something since there’s food. 

Once the call ends however, he seems to forget all about this new plan.  As Adam starts to get ready, Ronan doesn’t get up from the mattress.  He fidgets with the leather bands on his wrist giving off the impression that getting up is the last thing on his mind.

It’s not because Adam is that thrilled to go either.  It’s the first time they are all going to be in a room together while everyone knows that everyone is in a relationship.  It’s not like it's a normal situation to begin with, but he doubts it will be worse than being around Gansey and Blue knowing they are deliberately lying about the fact that they are together in a failed attempt to protect him.  Adam knows too that he really should eat something soon.  He’s barely had any food since last night due to a mixture of nausea and nerves.  If Ronan knew this he would have been in a hurry to get there, but Adam doesn’t like to worry him.  People already worry about him too much.

When Adam is finished getting ready, he turns to Ronan. “I think you need to get up and put on some pants.”

“Do we have to?” 

“I don't know if I should be offended. I thought you would be more eager to show your new boyfriend off.” 

“And I thought you prefered me without my pants,” Ronan smirks.  He leans back, head rested on his arm, tempting Adam to abandon all plans of going out.  ”You still have to ask me out though, Parrish. You keep calling me your boyfriend, but you’ve never actually asked.” 

“Really? You could also just ask me out if you want it to be that official.” 

“I’ve been asking you out non-verbally for almost a year. I think it’s your turn now.” 

“Fair enough,” Adam agrees. “I will.  Promise. But first you need to stop complaining and get dressed.”

Miraculously in a matter of a few minutes they manage to get out the door and into the car.  Really it is no surprise at all.  Once Ronan sets his mind to something and decides not to be difficult, he can be very quick.  In the car they casually argue over the music, driving with the windows rolled down.  At a light stop a car hunks behind them, clearly taking Adam’s stance and agreeing that the music is indeed horrific.  The truth however is that Adam couldn’t care less that the music is bad.  It’s a part of all these little things that reminds him of Ronan.  And maybe it’s not _that_ bad or at least not only bad.  It’s Ronan in the same way that the BMW is, the leather jacket is, the Barns.  Adam likes to be reminded, likes the way Ronan knows himself deeply, how he doesn’t compromise himself to be easy for the rest of the world to understand.  As they drive Adam keeps looking over at him, his arm casually over the wheel of the car, the silhouette of him looking too much like a character out of a movie to be real.  And maybe dinner really is a mistake because all Adam wants to do is climb over on his lap and kiss him with the kind of fury that only ever leads down one very familiar road.  It’s all he thinks about until Ronan parks the car outside of Nino’s and reminds Adam that the rest of the world still, in fact, exists. 

Nino’s is loud with far too many people for Adam’s taste.  It’s saturday and the place is filled with Aglionby students in their Aglionby jackets, filling their stomachs, before going out to hunt for trouble.  Adam envies them. Always has.  The way they are almost expected to make a string of blissful mistakes in their youth, protected by money and last names.  For them there would always be second chances.  Redemption. Do-overs. 

“You okay?” 

Adam nods. He gives him a weak, sort of nervous smile.

“It’s like there’s an asshole convention in town,” Ronan complains.  He grabs Adam's arm leading him over to the booth where Gansey, Blue and Noah are already waiting for him.  And thank god Noah is there too, because it means that Gansey can’t call it a double date, although he might still try. 

Blue gets up from her seat. She is wearing a layered dress and a purple oversized jacket.  Adam is taken by surprise when she hugs him longer than she ever has before.  It’s been a long time too since she's even hugged him at all - and it’s only after a few seconds, it occurs to him, she must have been very worried too.  He’s been blissfully blinded for the last few hours by the fact that he made up with Ronan, but now he’s reminded how miserable he was less than a day ago.

“So in short while you were telling me off, you were hiding your own relationship too?” Adam says in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“That’s different. For one I actually knew I had a boyfriend.  It wasn’t like I was hiding it from myself,” Blue snaps back.  She lightly pats his shoulder before walking over to Ronan. 

She tries to hug him too and he sort of lets her with exaggerated hostility that is much less believable now than it was only a few months back.  She says something to him that Adam doesn’t hear, because it’s said in a whisper and there’s too much noise.  It makes Ronan smile a little, so it must be something.  Making Ronan Lynch smile is a rare trick, one Adam is determined to master, although he’s already better than most. 

The night turns out to be pretty great, actually.  Gansey is not half as annoying as he could be and Adam hadn’t even realised how hungry he is until the food arrives.  His leg is pressed up against Ronan’s underneath the table and he’s eyes keep glancing over at him like he needs confirmation once again that he’s still there, they're fine, nothing is over.

At one point Gansey looks back and forth between the two of them and suddenly blurts out: “How did I not know you two were together? It’s so obvious now.”

“Don’t feel bad,” Ronan says. “Chances are you still knew before Parrish did.”

It’s a night made of laughter.  Old times and new times at once.  "To love," Gansey toasts. Ronan rolls his eyes but lifts his glass nonetheless.  Noah looks sort of sad, but relieved too that the mess is over.  Adam can almost fool himself into believing that this is the happy ending they talk about in books, but there’s still a little part of him that remains anxious and refuses to believe it.  It's a law of nature that nothing good can come without bringing something bad along too.

It’s why he feels his stomach tighten so much when he notices Gansey’s eyes suddenly narrow as his mouth quivers slightly.  Gansey looks at Ronan, then back outside at whatever is causing this reaction.  He clears his throat and suddenly becomes overly fascinated by the menu that he knows too well already.

“What’s wrong?” Ronan demands. 

“Nothing - I just … I think your brother is here.  Outside. He’s talking to some guys.” 

Adam turns his head towards the windows.  Declan is easy to spot in the crowd outside.  He’s tall and dressed up so nicely that it looks like he should be headed towards a fancy restaurant, but then instead got lost on the way.  Ronan is seemingly deep in his own thoughts.  He doesn’t even check to see Declan and Adam figures he’s trying not to be seen.  He knows Gansey would never have told him unless he was certain it was in fact his brother.  Adam puts a hand on his shoulder, making Ronan flinch, although it does seem to wake him up from his own thoughts.

“That fuckhead,” he sighs, rubbing a hand against his forehead like he suddenly has a headache. “He’s probably trying to bribe some of these bastards here into spying on me.” 

“Or they could just be having a normal conversation,” Gansey suggests in an innocent tone. 

“My family doesn't do normal.  You know that.” All of Ronan’s muscles have tensed up, ready to either fight or flee.  And flee it is. He gets up from his seat without a second thought. 

“Don’t go,” Gansey begs. “He won’t come over and if he does - five minuttes tops and he’s gone again. You can do five minutes.”

“Five minutes with that asshole is worse than five hours in hell.”

Gansey barely gets a word out before Ronan has already turned his back on them, quickly heading towards the backdoor exit, not even looking back at Adam.

“I better go with him.” Adam takes out his wallet to put down money for his share of the food, but he doesn’t have enough cash.  “I’ll pay for my own food, but right now I only have my card and -” Ronan is almost out of view.  “ _Sorry._ We’ll catch up tomorrow.” 

Adam races after him. No one tries to get him to stay.  Gansey likely expected something like this would happen the moment he saw Declan. 

Adam only ever used the backdoor once before when he was dating Blue.  Officially it is reserved for the staff, but no one seems to care enough to try to stop him.  The door leads outside to the dumpsters behind the building.  Ronan is standing with his back leaned against the brick wall.  There’s only one dimly lit lamp entangled in cobwebs, but it’s enough for Adam to see the glimpse of surprise in Ronan’s eyes, as if he had expected him to stay behind with the rest. 

“You didn’t have to follow me.” 

“I think I did.” 

“No one’s forcing you to do anything, Parrish, you can go back and enjoy your perfect night with your friends. I know how to take care of myself perfectly fucking fine.”

“That's not what I meant. I didn’t want to stay after you left.” 

There’s a loud, erupt sound of laughter.  Not too far from them in the parking lot is a group of five Aglionby boys egging each other on to drink.  Adam notices how one boy is watching the two of them as if he thinks they are thieves waiting to rob them.  Adam ignores it. He walks over to stand next to Ronan against the building.

“I’ve never fully understood this feud you have with your brother and you don’t have to explain it to me. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but if you do ..." 

“It’s pretty fucking easy to understand.  He only came here to spy on me, this is not the type of place he goes to at all, how is that not breaking every boundary for human decency? I’m sure he has some kind of sixth sense for whenever I’m not miserable, so he can rush over and ruin it."

“We’re not going back until he’s gone.  This is a great night. No one gets to ruin it. Even if we have to camp out here -”

“You want to camp out next to the dumpsters?” 

Adam shrugs. “It’s still under the stars.  And you’re here. Maybe it’s not the most romantic setting, but -” 

“When did you get so sappy all of the sudden?” Ronan asks.  There’s still resentment in his voice as if he was prepared to fight the second he knew Declan was close and has now decided to direct his anger at Adam instead.

“Are you mad that I’m being nice to you?” 

“I'm over this. Let me check if Declan’s still outside, so we can be done with this night," Ronan says, ignoring the question.

“What should I have done then? Did you want me to leave you here alone?” 

“I don’t know.”

There’s a pause. As much as Adam wants to think it’s just the Declan thing, that Ronan hates the universe right now and Adam simply happens to be a part of that universe, he knows that it's not true.

“I’m really trying here,” Adam says.

Ronan lifts his eyes. As he looks at him, Adam feels a shiver down his back, but it’s not in the good way.  “My father used to say that people don’t really change who they are at the core.  You can change a bad habit, but you can’t change your nature. Some things are just set and that’s it.” 

Adam has to bite back what he wants to say.  The part of him that is used to fighting wants to point out that Niall Lynch dreamt up his wife and built a whole life away from reality.  Of course he never trusted people.  His entire life was based on that one truth and he never had to dig deeper into it. 

Instead he asks: “Do you think I’m a bad person at the core?”

“No.” Ronan moves a little closer to him.  “You’re not a bad person, Adam.  I just don’t want it to turn into some shit again where you change your mind or want out one minute and then the next your back. I’m all or nothing, always, maybe you think that’s stupid, but I think people like my brother who chase down things that are never going to last are the ones who are really mind-numbingly stupid.”

“I only came back to you, because I’m sure it is what I want. I’m not heartless.” 

“I never said you were.” 

“I’m all in too. I can tell you that over and over and … and you can not believe me over and over just as many times.  It's one of those things where words are useless.  The only way I can prove that I’m not going anywhere is with time.  That’s really all I’m asking of you.  To give me that time. When I want something, I go after it full force, I don’t do half-way either.” 

“And you want me.” 

Adam says nothing. It doesn’t sound like a question to him, but a statement, a truth.  Ronan inches their faces closer.  There’s still chatter behind them from the Aglionby boys, but Adam is too in love with the boy in front of him to really care about their senseless noise.  They are standing so close that Adam feels his warm breath, luring him in.

“You know … You're really obvious when you’re trying not to kiss me,” Ronan teases. He then pushes himself off the wall with one hand.“Let me go check if my dear brother is still outside.” 

“Why do you think I’m trying not to kiss you?” 

Ronan nods his head towards the noisy Aglionby boys as if no more needs to be said, taking for granted that Adam is still going to want to hide the fact that they are together in little stupid ways like not kissing him when he is dying to.

“I’ll be back in two seconds.” 

“Lynch, wait,” Adam says.

Ronan turns. He looks downright beautiful in the moonlight, his hands in his pockets.  Adam walks over to him, grabs his jacket, the soft leather in his hands, his grip purposefully loose enough to give Ronan the chance to easily pull away if he wanted to.  He doesn’t pull away though. He looks like he’s waiting to see what will happen next, expecting anything, when Adam lightly presses his lips to his.  The kiss is slow, soft, unhurried.  He moves one hand behind his neck, something Ronan once mentioned that he liked and keeps it there even when they break apart.  Ronan smiles, head slightly bowed, looking dazed.

Most of Ronan’s smiles are variants of somewhat arrogant sneers, some flirty, dangerous, daring.  But this one is rare. It’s sincere.  He’s failing to hide it, there’s a hint of embarrassment like he’s cursing his own mouth for revealing everything upfront.  Ronan is skilled at hiding things and yet this is something he can't hide.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Ronan says, still staring at his mouth.

“Well, you were right. I really wanted to kiss you.” 

“You still need to ask me out.” 

“Will you say yes if I do?” 

“I’ll have to think about it. I don’t do casual, you see.” 

“I’ve heard that. I’ve also heard there are exceptions to that rule.”

“Must be a false rumour,” Ronan replies. “There never was and there never has been.” 

Before Adam can answer, Ronan shuts him up with a kiss, this time harder and longer.  The Aglionby boys whoop sarcastically in the background and Adam distinctly hears one of them saying _Oh, man, is that really two dudes?_ If they know what’s best for them, they will shut up and run off within the next ten seconds or else Adam's prediction is they will be coming to school next monday with matching black eyes.  They seem to go back to minding their own business pretty quickly though and by the time Ronan pulls away from him, they are gone. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ronan asks, running a hand through Adam’s hair.

“I just really want to do some things to you that I think I prefer to still keep private.” 

Ronan moves closer again, his mouth so close to his ear that he can feel his lips brush the skin. He whispers: “You’re finally going to fuck me, are you?”

Adam swallows. He’s not sure Ronan even remotely knows what saying this does to him. 

“We don’t have to if you don’t-”

“Fuck off with that. I’m not the one that’s been holding back.”

It’s true. It was only a few weeks into hands, mouths, naked bodies colliding, that Ronan had first brought it up.  He had teased him, almost treated it like a sort of dare, Adam was too scared to do.  Adam had fingered him, he had even almost given in several times, but in the end he held back.  There was something about that one last barrier, that made him think that if only he didn't cross that line, he still had control, he could still stop, which he now saw was like being soaked to the bones while trying not to get wet. 

"Let's go," Ronan says, taking his hand.

“I thought you were going to check to make sure Declan doesn't see you." 

“We can outrun him if we have to. No way he’s going to delay you from doing those things to me.”

They hurry towards the car without looking back and there's no voice calling Ronan's name nor is there anyone following them.  It's only been days since he last touched Ronan, really touched him, but it feels like much longer.  Adam's hand is on his thigh, moving further and further up as they drive, while Ronan teases him for being eager, although Adam can tell from his voice - and the speedometer - that he’s not the only one.  They kiss and grind the second they are out of the car, Adam pushing him hard against the door, Ronan pulling his hair harder.  The walk up to the apartment seems endless.  When they finally make it, Ronan lets go of him and heads towards the bathroom. 

"Two minutes. If you’re not naked when I come back, I’ll rip the rest off you, really rip,” Ronan says before closing the door.  Adam obliges his order and takes off his clothes.  He’s painfully hard, already was in the car, and has to resist the urge to touch himself in order to stay calm enough to prevent it from being over before it's even started.

When Ronan comes back he is still fully clothed.  How could he not be. He never passes up on a chance to be difficult.  He raises an eyebrow at Adam like a silent dare.

Adam takes off his tank first.  He kisses his chest, marking him, following the lines of his toned muscles with his hands.  He unbuckles his belt, sinks to his knees and takes him into his mouth, hearing the familiar breathy sound of _fuck, Adam._

Ronan is not patient in general but in bed he is downright intolerant of any waiting.  There’s no way Adam is going to fuck him without prepping him first, but even as he’s opening him up, his fingers slibbery with lube, Ronan keeps saying _Just get on with it, Parrish, I’m ready,_ _you’re killing me._ His body is glistening in sweat, so exposed, vulnerable, beautiful.  Adam kisses his thighs softly.

He removes his fingers and sits up.  He asks him one last time if he is sure, but Ronan doesn't answer, not in words, he just pulls him close enough to kiss him once more.  As Adam sinks in, slowly, only the head of his cock, he watches Ronan’s face for any sign of pain or discomfort.  It takes some time before he’s all the way in but when he is he stays still, giving him time to adjust.  They lock eyes. Ronan takes his hand, moves it to his mouth, kisses his fingers and it’s overwhelming, too much.

Adam is too clumsy, young, dumb to be feeling something so all-consuming.  In a perfect world they would have met in five or ten years, when he was further down the road.  In a perfect world they would both be unmarked, unhurt, unrecognisable.  Adam would never know about feeling this kind of hunger for someone within reach, made sharper by the contrast of knowing so well what it is to want the impossible.  This is the impossible made real, the impossible made reachable, the impossible kissing along the lines of his hands and offering up everything.

When Adam finally starts to move it’s difficult at first, Ronan is still tight and he doesn’t want to hurt him, but a few minutes into it Ronan throws his head back and urges him to go faster.  Ronan’s hands are wrapped around his shoulders, fingers digging into his skin, his name whispered in his ear over and over.  _Adam. Adam. Adam._

When Adam comes, he squeezes his eyes shut.  He feels Ronan’s hand brushing his cheek, before moving to his neck, pulling him closer, until their lips brush.

Neither of them gets up afterwards.  Ronan’s leg is now draped over Adam’s, his limp cock pressed against his thigh.  They are so close that Adam can feel Ronan’s heart beating on and on, slower than in the midst of it, but the beat is still unsteady.

This is the beginning. This is watching flames build, instead of burning down.  This is showing a wound to someone hoping they will heal it and not make it bleed afresh.  Adam wants him to know all of this, but it would come out too clumsy if he tried to say it and it's just not how they do things, so he tightens his grip instead.  He kisses his neck. He stays.  And with it something starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn’t thought it would take me this long to update. There’s been a whole list of things that’s kept me from it - mainly that it’s been inhumanly hot and having to adjust to new meds. The last chapter will be an epilogue - although don’t worry, it’s the same length as a chapter. I’ve already written a large portion of it, so hopefully it will be up soon.


End file.
